Posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 7:03:38
In reply to Sunny, posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 18:27:10
Besides the fact that he's killing someone I love, he is now killing that love by lying to me. It actually came up last night. My stomach has just been a mess, so I'm sick and I just want to be left alone. He came upstairs and started a fight. So I let him know all of the OTHER things in life that are weighing on me... the dad stuff he knows- the work stuff he didn't know, and then I told him that he wasn't talking to me, either- about quitting, and saying no, et cetera. I didn't actually say "like you promised me you would because you knew how important I think communication is". So I asked him, when was the last time he used? He said, "the last time you caught me". I said "what, like two weeks ago?" He said yeah. He lied. He doesn't know that I know he used between Saturday and Wednesday. I didn't tell him. So now I know for sure, this is the way life with him would go. Lies and deceit. Lies and deceit kill any love; slowly and painfully.
I died a little more inside when I realized that he felt no guilt at all, and didn't feel the need to come clean, tell the truth, or even to quit at all. In his mind, everything is fine as long as I don't "catch him". As if the problem is not that he uses and lies, but whether or not he gets caught. He has no intention of quitting. He really thinks that I'm pathetic enough to believe him. That means that he doesn't know me, thus he never loved me. And it means I've been stupid to think that he ever did.
I'm never letting anyone get close to me again. Obviuosly AuntieMel was right when she suggested that my "picker's broke". He picked me this time, but I let him. So obviously I am a horrible judge of character if I'm attracted to someone... I'd rather be alone than hurt every time.
That's where we're a little different, Suze. I don't mind being alone. It's safer.
It's funny, my SO thinks I'm a basket case. I haven't ever had ups and downs in short periods of time before. I have always been a long-cycle major depresive. I'm talking YEARS between major depressive cycles. I'm at WEEKS now. But living with lies and fear for a loved one's life can do that to a person, I guess. Safer for me not to love and not to care. I'll just let him keep lying - eventually all of the love will be gone and I won't hurt like I'm hurting now...
poster:sunny10
thread:474910
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/475315.html