Posted by adam canada on December 19, 2004, at 2:11:17
In reply to Re: To Adam, posted by ed_uk on December 18, 2004, at 14:17:33
hi. I been avoiding this forum at times as it reminds of the times when I really did hit rock bottom and all I could do was lay in bed with agonizing mind torture and wish the pain would go away. I am glad things aren't as bad as the most difficult depression imaginable but I wish I was better. I wish I could live a productive life. One with interests, hobbies, goals, ambitions, a life that I once lived before my mind was corrupted my mentail illness.I would actually fear what kind of responses I would recieve for my message here. Mostly because it's just a very personal thing for me. It touches on just some of what I feel as there is so much more to go into.
I had a big response I was going to post but it was just a mess. So i got rid of it. Sometimes I just dont know what to say.
I have to live with what I have left. I used to be able to enjoy everything around me and have so many ambitions, so many passions. That was before I became ill. Perhaps I can feel these things again. I do feel them but to small extents and with horrendous memory problems. It also seems difficult for me to concentrate on various things.
I may have tried 15+ medications but I guess I need to keep trying. Dexedrine was a small miracle the first times I tried it. Then the effect changed and would make me feel grim.
I miss the company of people. How I used to have friends. It's nice to be a part of all that. To just talk about things.
I really miss the girl I loved. A girl whom would say she would be with me forever etc etc. I met her during the days when I was healthy. I felt I could never be more in love than I was with her. She was such a beautiful person. The one you meet and you connect on seemingly every level. You have such an intellectual bond and you can tell so clearly how the other one thinks and relates to the world.
It's been hard for me to have that with anyone. An intellectual bond. I see so many people who I feel are just the average folk. You know... they talk about normal things but never anything deep. No one talks about anything deep. Deep feelings, deep emotions... what are you passionate about? I have never met anyone who has trully been in such a way. She was one of those kinds of beautiful people. So brilliant. So much inside her. She was beautiful in the most important way.
Any of you ever have such issues. Where you just dont connect with everyone else? I can be a very emotional person. I am also very open. I want to talk about deep important things.
Instead what do we have in our society? Husbands and wives who dont even communicate. They dont tell eachother things. Even the most basic. Instead you have these types of people writting into "dear abby" publications and asking for relationship advice. What do those letters with problems seeking answers have in common I ask you? If you take a look they all could be avoided if those people were just open and honest with eachother. This doesnt happen in our society. People dont have the maturity or intellectual/emotional capacity it seems. It should not be difficult to get along. These people cant help being the way they are.
I just wish I could find someone who wouldn't be one of those people. You know what I mean? Someone special. I dont care for sex. I just want a wonderful woman to love. A woman to be able to share emotional things with.
There was more to this but I cannot recall right now.
I am glad you people responded in such a positive way. It really reminds me that there are enough beautiful people in the world. I just wish I could find them.
poster:adam canada
thread:430143
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041207/msgs/431542.html