Posted by adam canada on December 16, 2004, at 0:08:00
After reading some of the posts here I perhaps feel the way some of you do. I am 21. I dont have anyone and I havent trully ever had anyone. I used to be fairly happy yet alone then mental illness from a toxic drug (accutane) crept into me. Now if things weren't difficult before they are even more difficult now.
I have never had a real loved one. Im fairly attractive perhaps but always had some issues with social anxiety and anxiety. This has ruined various potential relationships for me.
But aside from that I am not the way I once was. Intelligent, exciteful, creative, enjoying life (for the most part). Now I have to deal with a strong depression. I am on paxil and it helps a bit but not enough. 15 different meds tried and not much has been able to do the trick.
I dont have any real friends. It is difficult to enjoy things. Difficult to have interests. I have trouble relating to people.I also have little interest in sex which is a shame. On one med vivarint I was a sexual maniac. I wanted it all the time. I would pleasure myself many countless times a day. Vivarint was really something else to be sure. Sex isn't too important but during a time of extreme depression it was good to be occupied with something that was enjoyable.
But generally much of my relationship problems stem from being very different from everyone. I dont feel normal. It is hard to explain and it often makes me want to forget about it. I am straight and I love women. But I feel extremely feminine on the inside sometimes. Looking back on some discussions/letters I wrote to people in the past etc it amazed me how feminine I have been on certain instances. I dont feel comfortable in my own skin. I dont necessarly act feminine just my emotional side. I hope you people can understand what I mean.
Women like manly guys. So I am out of that scenario. There was one girl who liked me for me but she just turned out to appreciate someone else more than me.
I am lonely a lot. Wanting someone to love, take care of, appreciate, someone to be happy with and the greatest joy would be to see them be happy. For your day to light up when you see that beautiful smile in their face. Because that is the most beautiful thing in the world. For the one you love so dearly to be happy and knowing you are happy with them. I just wish I had a woman to love.
But aside from intimate relationships I just wish I could have a friend. I dont have any real friends. Someone who I know I can trust and just all the things good friends share.
I have had one somewhat close friend this past year but they turned out to betray me. Use me for my generousity and tolerance. I was hurt a lot by it. This turned out to be one trully horrible person. they pretended to be there. and during those times it was nice. I cared for them deeply.
I just hate feeling so alone. I try not to think about it too much but you just know it's there. I ignore it a lot. It's easy not to cry when you dont think about being alone and how you dont know anyone and that no one really cares.
I just wish things were different. I wish I could be my somewhat outgoing self as I was before depression/anxiety game my way. I wish I had friends. Days pass by and I dont feel good. I cant help being ill. But it would be nice for the times I dont feel as bad to be able to share them with someone. It would be nice.
There is so much beauty in the world. To just lay in the grass under the night sky with a loved one would be nice. I wish I could experience such things.
poster:adam canada
thread:430143
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041207/msgs/430143.html