Posted by Racer on October 23, 2004, at 12:38:48
In reply to Re: Well, Here's the Thing » Racer, posted by AdaGrace on October 21, 2004, at 23:55:36
> 20 years down the road, I don't know. I really don't know why I married him.
>
OK, I have to be the Harsh SchoolMarm here, so bear with me, 'K? Just remember, I'm speaking as someone who's been through something similar, although after a shorter period of time together.So, how much of that not knowing is based on your depression? How much of this is suppressed anger, resentment, and/or general dissatisfaction with life that's being focussed on him as a convenient receptacle for all that negative emotion? Is it possible that he really isn't the problem, but a convenient external focal point for it all? Could it be that you've been and are so depressed that you're just not able to see the positive points?
I know that that was part of my problem with my husband, when we were in so much trouble.
> Perhaps it was because he was the first one to really pay attention to me.
>
Hmmm... I won't ask how old you were, I'll only say that, in my experience, when that's truly been the case with women I've known, the attention of the first man is usually the catalyst for them to blossom and attract a fair number of other men, as well. Those that stuck with the first man usually had reasons other than "he was the only one who was interested..." Reasons like, "He's the best of the bunch, why would I bother with the rest?" You may now remember it differently, but I'll bet there were other reasons at the time, and I'll also bet that if we could review a tape of that period of your life, we'd see that you had other options at that time, too.> Perhaps it was because he was the first one to ask.
>
> Perhaps I have had severly low esteem for my entire life and thought noone else would ask.
>
> Believe me, I have asked myself that same question for the last 10 years. I just can not for the life of me come up with an answer.
>
> AdaGraceI'm sorry you're in so much pain right now, and -- as I said -- been there, done that.
When things were at their worst with my husband, I begged and begged to get to a marriage counselor. It took damn near forever, but in the end we did go to a counselor, and it has made a huge difference. As I've seen how committed he is to our marriage, and how hard he's willing to work to keep us together, it's reminded me of why I married him in the first place. I recommend you make the same effort with your husband, and if it doesn't work out, make plans to remove yourself from the marriage.
Honestly, there are three options I see for you right now: work to improve your situation, remove yourself from the situation, or continue to be miserable in your situation. The last one is the only one that really cuts off your options. If you work to improve your marriage, then you still have the option of leaving, but if you just decide to stay miserable, well, you'll just stay miserable.
Sorry, I'm very depressed right now myself, and seeing the negative side of life. That's certainly part of this response. I do hope things get better for you soon.
poster:Racer
thread:404712
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041015/msgs/406376.html