Posted by AdaGrace on October 8, 2004, at 10:05:56
In reply to Re: I've been very, very stupid, posted by Miss Honeychurch on October 7, 2004, at 14:41:47
Yesterday was my first day back to work after the burning accident and I guess since I hate my job, maybe that was part of my reason for the crying.
However, I still can't stop. I have been like this since Sunday.The events that have lead up to this emotional breakdown happened a month ago, and for about a week there, I was weepy all the time.
Actually before, that because I found out about OG's live-in girlfriend, who subsequently left him over me finding out about her, and OG and I had a nice two weeks there where we talked again...but that was short lived.... She played the game well and got to move back in after two weeks.
Actually the weeping was for quite a while before that even because I had sporatic contact with him since we were together in May and I knew I was losing him..I just thought it was to the bottle, not another woman. A SINGLE woman.
The thing I am trying to say is that after the breakdown 4 weeks ago, I was able to get on some meds, stop the crying (for the most part), entered therapy, and began trying desparately to repair the damage to my marriage...things seemed to be getting better. I just don't get it.....why now.
WHY NOW am I crying all the time again? WHY NOW do I miss him so terribly and want to talk to him so desparately? What has changed? That was the reason for my questions in my original post.
Because of family schedules, I was only able to go to two therapy sessions. Because of the accident I couldn't go last Saturday. I was supposed to call Monday to reschedule, but I didn't call until yesterday. I can't get in for a week. Because I didn't call Monday, I missed my regular appointment time.
The thing is, I knew the relationship with OG was wrong to begin with and was wrong to continue and would probably never work. I even thought over the last four years that I needed to end it. It needed to end. I guess what is hurting me so much is that he became my best friend as well as me being in love with him. I miss him so much. When this all happened (me finding out about the live-in girlfriend, and her leaving, and us getting back together for a shortlived two weeks), I begged (actually we had had this conversation many times over the past 4 years) but I begged him to TELL ME if he wanted to be with someone else, and TELL ME if he couldn't handle the situation any more. All I got this time was a half-written off-line message in Yahoo. It wasn't even finished...I could tell he had more to say, and didn't say it. All I wanted from him was a "Dear Jane" letter, and an "I hope we can still be friends". I hurt so much and feel so abandoned by all this.
I KNOW I hurt my husband, I KNOW he will never completely get over it, but I want to try to mend things, I really do. WHY do I hate him so much? WHY do I want this other guy to just respond to me as friends? WHY can't I let go? and GOD, WHY OH WHY can't I get over this?
You know, I've been dumped before......many years ago, my husband (before we were married) broke it off with me several times. I tried to get him back the same way, each and every time, except the last time. I wanted out. I wanted away from him and all his condescending ways, but he coaxed me back with pretty words and a ring. WHY did I fall for that? WHY am I not stronger than that?
OKAY that's my history. There's more, but really, it's all too much more to say right now. I am about to be 40 years old, I have a nice home, I have a man who loves me at that home and I have three kids who need me at that home. I have a college degree, why was I so stupid to let myself fall in love with someone on an internet chat site? Was I that stupid or bored? I just don't get it.
Okay, this is way too long.....time to go......get to work.....hate my job!!!!!!!!
poster:AdaGrace
thread:399932
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/400334.html