Posted by sunny10 on October 7, 2004, at 13:22:03
In reply to I've been very, very stupid, posted by AdaGrace on October 7, 2004, at 9:44:29
> Well, first off, I did something very stupid last week.....tried to burn brush with gasoline and a lighter. Second Degree burnes on lots of areas. However, that is not the reason for my post.
>
> As a result of my accident I have been on some pain meds and I think they are having an adverse reaction to my anti-depressants. I have been extra weepy this past week reminissing and remembering the "other man" who ditched me and caused this nervous breakdown I am in.
>
> Husband has caught me crying for what appears to be no reason several times this past week. No need to worry about the Big "O" at the moment, can't have sex with all the pain and bandages anyway.
>
> And the second stupid thing I did was to send an e-mail to the other guy telling him what happened, not asking for sympathy, but to inform, afterall, I would want to know if something happened to him. NO RESPONSE. didn't expect one, but hoped for one just the same.
>
> Third stupid thing I did was to call the other guy this week on his birthday and left a message telling him happy birthday.
>
> I feel like an idiot, started to hate my husband again, and crying all the time again. Wishing for a different life. Fighting with husband over kids not helping enough. Feeling inadequate. Feeling ugly again......face is really better now, but still feel like it looks horrible. Gained 5 pounds this week eating food people brought over.
>
> I just can't seem to get it together now. I am back at work, missing the other man, wishing my husband was dead, and wanting to get in the car and drive, drive away from everything.....drive to the "OG" and beg him to take me in......leave everything behind.
>
> Is it the mix of meds? Lexapro & Vicoden?
>
> Is it the "OG" birthday?
>
> Is it the lack of response to my plea for sympathy e-mail....because even though I said I wasn't, it really was, wasn't it?
>
> Is it that everytime my husband tried to comfort me or change my bandages he bungled it up and ended up hurting me....
>
> Am I doomed to miss this man forever and think that because of what happened that I am no good, stupid, ugly, not worth anyone's love?
>
> God, I need to go back to therapy........
AdaGrace,The OG doesn't want the baggage you carry- it's not that you are unloveable, unworthy, ugly, stupid, or any of the other negative words you are using to describe yourself. But he's obviously turned his back on the situation. I was the OGirl to one of my exes. It felt very much the same as what you describe in your post. I did the whole BD email- went even further with a "please tell me you're happy that you've made this decision" email... But in the end, I had to make peace with the fact that "we" were over.
And it's VERY hard when you have low self-esteem and dealing with very real chemical depression issues.
I haven't been on the meds you're on, but from what you're describing, it sounds more like a broken heart than S/E's from meds. It will take a LOT of time to get over it once you let go. And the actual healing won't start until you do let go. I did, finally, and it took me over a year to REALLY move on with my life.
The pain from the burns does make things worse- perhaps you should talk to your T about the "why" you chose to use gasoline to burn the brush. Were you subconsiously trying to punish yourself for the failed relationship with the OG, or the resentment you feel towards your spouse? Yes, I'm pretending to be a mind-reader here (or amateur T), but you've concerned me enough to make me speak up.
Please, please, please remember that we are all human and fail (often). And we all love and are loved. Just the fact that you are here, trying to reach out, gives me hope that you will eventually heal yourself.
Thinking of you- please keep us posted with whatever unbandaged fingers you have to type ; )
-sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:399932
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/399986.html