Posted by AdaGrace on September 24, 2004, at 10:16:07
In reply to Re: How can I fall in love with my husband again » AdaGrace, posted by ron1953 on September 24, 2004, at 7:48:44
I've been married 18 years. I have three children. Somewhere around the age of 30 (10 years ago), I began to lose interest in my husband, socially, sexually, and emotionally. 6 years ago, my mother was killed in a horrible car accident. It was then that I seemed to wake up to the fact that I had no life outside of my immediate family and had not had a good adult relationship with my mother because of the rift between my husband and my family. There were issues when we got married regarding religion, income, lifestyle, and as a 20 year old I thought I knew it all, and as I look back on it all now, I see that someone told me not to do something, and I wanted to do it all the more, the perils of youth, I guess. Anyway, after 2 years of blaming my husband for my non-relationship with my mother, I became fed up with the marriage. I began chatting online. I met and fell in love with someone. This continued for 4 years. We even met once this spring. I was planning on getting a divorce to be with this man, but was affraid of losing my kids. I felt my chances were pretty slim of getting custody since I have a drinking problem and was having an extramarital affair. I found out a few weeks ago that this man I fell in love with had given up on us ever being together and found someone else. I've been through 3 weeks of pure hell and had what I feel is an emotional breakdown. I have now started on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds just to get through the day. I realize now that my horribly low self esteem contributed to my desire and need for this other man. He fed my insecurities. He was not perfect by any means, and now that the fog has cleared somewhat, I realize that. There were weeks even months at a time when he wouldn't talk to me. I know he was just using me for his own lonelyness. My problem now is that I still miss him and I still love him and I can't seem to get past that to have any kind of relationship with my husband. I simply can't stand him. I want him to say the things the other guy said. I want him to make me feel the way the other guy made me feel. I feel horribly guilty for doing what I have done to my husband, and the fact that he still wants to be with me astounds me. I just desparately want to feel something for him so that I can remain in this marriage and stay sane. Otherwise, I see myself alone in the world and that scares me too much. I don't even know if I like him, how can I love him? You talk about growth, I feel I have grown, and am not the same person I was at 20, but I see him as the same. I don't see him as growing any over the past 20 years. I just don't know.
poster:AdaGrace
thread:394048
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/394491.html