Posted by saw on September 21, 2004, at 2:09:12
In reply to Huge mess I created, posted by raindrop on September 20, 2004, at 18:47:12
Hi Raindrop
Being verbally abused strips us of self esteem and self worth. It makes us start to believe that what is being said is true. I had both mental, verbal and physical abuse during my bad marriage and I didn't even want out, I wanted to try and make it better. I had some misguided conception that I loved the man. I was extremely traumatized by my marriage, separation and divorce. It is that that caused my first breakdown and saw me hospitlized three times. After being in remission for a few years, I have had a major relapse and developed GAD aswell. In a way, I probably blame my ex husband for my illness. If it weren't for him, I may not have had the breakdown. I have nothing but hatred for him now and cannot believe that I was so deeply in love with him. The guilt I have suffered has been immense. And apparantly, the trauma too, as it's still there. Even though I am newly and happily remarried.
Now that being said and all about me, I fully understand that you do not feel guilty about taking material things. It does make us feel some sort of justification. You cannot marry a man you are no longer in love with, and certainly not one that abuses you mentally. As for your situation right now, I think that you need to clear a time to sit with your fiance, perhaps on neutral ground like in a park or at a restaurant, somewhere that makes it difficult for him to yell at you. As hard as it may be, you will need to be honest with him and tell him that you no longer love him and no longer want him living with you. The damage of all the mental abuse has been done and that should be made clear to him. Of course, at this point, he will probably start begging and pleading and make promises to change etc. etc. He sounds like he fits this personality type. (Much like my ex husband).
I started with loads to say but am starting to fizzle out because I feel so strongly for you. I want to shout out to you to kick him out and start over. But I can't do that. I can't tell you what to do or how to do it. That I don't even know you is irrelevent. I was so hurt by the mental abuse that now, years later, I have no regrets at all for divorcing him.
Only you can decide what it is you will eventually do. As far as the money is concerned, will you be able to pay it back? Does he expect you to pay it back? If he want's it back, perhaps he will let you pay it off?
I feel for you. He has hurt you and you are hurting because of him. I wish you so much strength in whatever it is that you decide to do.
Take care
Sabrina
poster:saw
thread:393119
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/393234.html