Posted by Daisym on August 5, 2011, at 18:22:48
In reply to Re: help - feels like an impasse » lucielu2, posted by Anemone on August 5, 2011, at 7:43:27
Your therapy seems to mirror your impasse with your daughter - it hurts so much but there are no words to convey the feelings. And sitting with this person who loves you and wants to help you isn't really helping. There are some things that actually don't feel better when you talk about them or anticipate them -- you actually just have to live through them and pick up the pieces later. Your therapist can help you do that, even as you help your daughter do that.
One of the things that might help is to allow yourself all the feelings that are wound up in this transition. You are hurt and angry with her behavior - but maybe (?) afraid to let yourself show her your hurt and anger because she is leaving. No one wants a bad good-bye. And you don't want her to feel guilty about your grief of missing her - or give her any reason to not go. But on the other hand, what if she thinks you won't miss her? Or you think she won't miss you? It is so, so complicated. But having a heart-to-heart about your feelings is probably the best way to put out on the table all of what you are feelings. It probably won't change things - this is her way of containing her fear and separating before she actually leaves. And she is most likely feeling huge excitement and huge grief - all overwhelming when she is with you.
My oldest just moved across the country, literally, he left Monday. It has stirred up huge feelings of abandonment and caused me to move towards that familiar position of "I don't need anyone because they eventually hurt you." But I figured out that in addition to those old feelings, I'm in mourning about being a mom. This was something I was good at and liked about myself. Knowing that my son does not need me anymore leaves me more and more alone with the parts of me I don't really like. I don't cry in front of my children so I wanted to avoid a final good-bye. Circumstances were created that I couldn't avoid it and I hugged him and cried and cried. He said, "it's OK mom. I love you too. And I'm glad you will miss me. But I have to go." So I learned that he wants me to miss him - and he is strong enough to live with knowing I do and seeing me cry and yet doing what he needs to anyway.
Every time I tried to talk about this in therapy, I simply shut down or cried hard. Finally my therapist asked me if I could just talk about my son - what was he like as a baby, his birth, his adolescence. I laughed and cried - and my therapist found himself saying, "I never knew that." And he has known me for a long time so he has heard about this kid for a long time. Looking at it, I realize that it was easier and safer to tell about his life and feel the feelings of loss that way, than it was to just talk about the loss. And I would say things that identified my fears about this separation - and we would break off and explore those. It help me grieve and it made me feel closer to my therapist.
I didn't mean to make this about me. But I just wanted you to know that the dynamics in your household are pretty normal for the transition that is happening. It will get better. And it will get better in therapy too. Just hang in there.
poster:Daisym
thread:992867
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/992908.html