Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 10, 2010, at 0:58:54
I feel so awful. I just need to concentrate for another 6 or so days to complete all of the hard work I have mangaged to get done this semester.
But I can't concentrate. I had a session yesterday, and feel like I need to be there again; it feels like it was so long ago. I talk to myself in my head all the time, and when in my room out loud-- it is a conversation often with my therapist, though he is not really here. It is very distracting to me and wastes a lot of my time and emotions. But in that I tell him how I really feel. I feel so angry tonight-- in general, but also I feel angry towards him. My feelings towards him tend to fluctuate between being a feeling of totally loving him very deeply in which he seems like God here to save or a feeling of being very angry in that he is gone, like he never did really care and all of my desires for him to care are imagined and fake and I am in an unfair bondage to him. The anger is not grounded in anything that is reasonable; I think it is something of a transference from other relationships. But I am afraid if I tell him of my love and anger then he will be put-off and will emotionally withdraw.
This feels so awaful. I am fighting so hard the need to binge. Right now in my mind-- and for the last 2 weeks-- I have been fighting the urge to go buy a tub of icing and eat it. I could go right now. And I can already feel myself losing control, buying it, eating it, feeling sick, going to bed, and feeling like sh*t in the morning. And the cycle will repeat. I feel awful. I need to eat and bury this. But I know it's not going to help me in the long run; and actually, it will make me more sick.
I am already experiencing some of the effects of sugar abuse from years past. Aside from this past year, the worst hell year of my life was my senior year of high school. To make it through each day, I used to binge on everything available-- eating pure powdered sugar by the spoonful or mixing it with milk, tubs of icing and ice cream, rolls of cookie dough-- sometimes making cookie dough and eating it, candy bars-- sometimes going to the store at night to buy 3 bars and eat them as fast as possible, fries, pizza, chocolate, cakes, cheese, sticks of butter. I always ate these in secret, in the dark of the kitchen, in the corner of the laundry room, in my room, hiding the remains under my bed. In the 3 intervening years, this has gotten better, but still inserts its haunting presence and effects in times of stress and feeling trapped and has never left, like now. I have some minor blood sugar problems emerging now too. When I went for a 2-hr glucose test at the doctor this past June, my score was in the pre-diabetic stage-- not too bad but to be watched. Every morning when I get up, I have a terrible dry mouth, and if I eat even minimal sweets now (i.e. a piece of cake or esp if I were to buy that tub of icing and eat it) I would get a dry mouth and feel dizzy and tingly to various degrees depending on the amount consumed.
I don't know how this will ever stop. I feel out of control. I feel angry. This is so awful. I don't feel like I can wait for another 6 days to see my therapist, and even if I do make it there again, the cycle is going to repeat itself. And I am leaving town for Christmas and will be gone for at least 3 weeks with no sessions. I can't make it. And when I come back in Jan, I only have until May, and then I finish at my university. I guess I could stay in my city for a while, but don't know if I can financially. I have to find a place to stay and a job. I feel driven like a magnet back to my parents home 5 hrs away-- but that feels like annihilation and the death of everything that has happened here for me away from them.
Basically I feel hopeless; I am NEVER going to get better. We have no hope as humans. There is no God. The only person who can help me I will not be around to work with much longer; and maybe my idealization of him is not right-- maybe he can't save. This is never going to end. I can't even make it through the f-cking weekend. This is never going to get better.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:973063
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/973063.html