Posted by Daisym on November 3, 2010, at 23:42:50
In reply to Re: Wordlessness » lucielu2, posted by pegasus on November 3, 2010, at 14:49:54
Crashing after finishing fits somewhat but it ties into the overall theme of never being good enough. No matter what degree, no matter what my job, it all feels like "making up" for all the bad stuff I've done. And I guess every time I bump into this I feel like nothing will ever be enough.
What my therapist said was, "did you think she hated you?"
Meaning my mother. Because I needed her. And it is an impossibly hard issue because she really did hate me needing her. And she probably hated all that was happening in our house - which was tied to me. And she hated anything that had the potential to embarrass her publicly. And a big part of me believes she had good reason to hate me.
So naming this fear feels so dangerous. What if it gets confirmed? Or what if my therapist sees and believes what I think my mom saw and believed...will he hate me too? I mean, if your mom can't help but hate you, why wouldn't everyone? So I clamp down - shutting off the need to defend myself, being careful about saying the wrong thing. "I can neither confirm or deny this hate..."
So I can write all of this. But I absolute can't talk about it. No one is supposed to know about her hate - especially me.
poster:Daisym
thread:967870
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/968302.html