Posted by Daisym on September 24, 2009, at 1:07:36
I don't know what I want or need.
I keep saying this, over and over in therapy. I flip flop between being angry and frustrated with my therapist and weeping uncontrollably. Could it really be that after all this time, I still can't tolerate the limits inherent to therapy? I wish I knew exactly what I wanted from this relationship. If it was as simple as wanting to seduce him, then I would know it was wrong, that it would never happen and I could get over it.
But instead, it is a mixed up set of feelings that contain feelings of wanting to be special, of wanting to be taken care of, of wanting to not feel so utterly alone and yes - sometimes of wanting him to show me how to have sex without being so afraid of it. Not that he would ever really be allowed to touch me.
We've been able to talk about all these feelings but sometimes I'm really hard on him. I know he is trying to understand it all and he isn't a mind reader - but when he "misses" it is hugely painful - more so than normal. I need him to be perfect and yet I'm looking for ways he isn't. He shared with me today that yesterday was really frustrating for him because he just didn't know what I want from him. Funny - I was thinking the exact same thing - "what do you want from me?!" And because I'm a long term client, I know he has faith in the relationship - yet it kills me to hear him say that he is frustrated or that he feels I'm being hard on him. It makes me want to quit therapy if I'm going to "that" client - the one who creates dread in him.
The trigger yesterday was that I discovered that he'd changed his schedule. I was no longer the first person of the day - I ran into this couple laughing and talking as they left his office. It rattled me. It upset me. It made me feel so damn foolish. And why did I even care? I tried to just tell him I was rattled and brush it aside but it grew and grew into this anger. When we talked about it today, I tried to explain what was lost and I felt this deep grief. He hadn't realized all the layers of this time slot for me - but how could he? I didn't either.
But even as I write this again, I find I'm crying. And I still don't even really know why. I feel like someone died - or something is wrecked. Maybe it is just reality crushing another fantasy.
So - what is it I want from him? What am I struggling with? How do you make it stop hurting so much?
poster:Daisym
thread:918256
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/918256.html