Posted by Kath on April 6, 2009, at 10:14:03
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes!-- I went., posted by fleeting flutterby on April 2, 2009, at 17:24:54
>I'm quite private about things.... it's even VERY difficult to open up to the T. I see. I havn't been to therapy for a month and I have an appointment tomorrow-- yikes!!
~ ~ I'm so very glad that you first of all, phoned the T when you did & that you WENT to the appt & yes, I suspect a nose-bleed could certainly be caused by extreme stress. I'm very glad that the therapy session went how it did. When do you go next? ~ ~
>but it's not fine...... my marriage is in dire trouble as I demand respect from my husband and request he stop drinking-- so he is very upset with me.....
~ ~ What a brave thing for you do to - to request that!!! That's huge. I admire your courage. ~ ~
>I've always always been her surrogate mother since I was 13 when my dad had his first heart attack.(he's now deceased) I don't know HOW to make things better for her.....she always asks me what she should do-- then if I say something and it doesn't work out she gets mad at me and tells everyone what a horrible daughter she has..... feels so overwhelming..... ugh.... :o(
~ ~ ~ You said what use are you if you can't help (regarding the woman who got carried away by the current). First of all, NOBODY could help that woman & as you say, she put herself in great danger, sounds like. And you HAVE been helping, since you were 13 years old! I'm sorry that you've been in a pattern of being asked what you mother should do, & feeling like you HAVE to solve it for her, then you do your BEST to give her the advice that seems best & if it doesn't work out, she blames you & degrades you, sort of....devalues you. You've been put unfairly into the role of parenting your parent. I hope at least a wee part of you knows that that is NOT fair. It's not fair that your right (everyone has this right, in my opinion) to a carefree, happy, cared-for childhood - was taken away. Due to circumstances & your mom's emotional inability to deal with your dad's death....due to her for whatever reason, not having proper professional support at that time, you were cast in a role that wasn't appropriate & of course you didn't know what to do...and didn't know even that it wasn't right.
It's NOT your job to know how to make things better for anyone else Mandy. (((you)))
>"am I worth much if I can't help? ......"
Can't help is very different from WON'T help. And even won't help is often okay, because we always are wise to take care of ourSELF first! How can we possibly help anyone else, if we don't take care of US first?? I hope you can look at your question & pretend someone else is saying that to you...maybe it will feel a little different. But it might not, because you've been thinking that way for a long time, along with your mother's reaction if things don't work out - the blaming & devaluing you.
>I don't know.... just don't know.... my eyes are open but I don't seem to be able to see ..... seems as though I'm looking at my life through an opaque window....
~ ~ ~ You have a tremendous amount on your plate. It sounds to me like you're in overload - almost in shock & that would make total sense considering all that you're dealing with right now!
>*sigh*..... I so wish all this would just end.... I'm so tired.....
~ ~ ~ I know what that feels like. I've felt like that. Actually do fairly often.
> anxiety rises as I can't help... there's nothing I can do, especailly since she is so far away.~ ~ apart from being an awful situation, it's so parallel to what happened when you were 19 that it must hugely trigger all kinds of stuff in you. Maybe something to talk with T about?
> feels so helpless, as mother calls me, saying how lonely she is and how sister won't come to hospital...
~ ~ ~ Not sure if you want any ideas...& not sure when I'll next be posting, so instead of asking "do you want any suggestions?" I'm just going to write this now. If you don't want input, skip this paragraph! I read once, when my kids were small, that one way of dealing with this type of thing is to say what we 'wished' we could do. Like, "I hear how lonely you are. It must feel awful to be that lonely & I wish that you had someone there, right beside you all the time." Depending on how you feel & IF it feels okay - "I wish I could be there with you." If you do say that, I would not have it be the last sentence you say! It'd probably be better to end on a positive, like, "Since that can't happen, I'm going to phone the hospital & see if they have people who'd like to spend time with patients who are feeling lonely. Often hospitals do."
~ ~ I don't know how big of a city you live in. Although the CoDependents Anonymous meetings no longer happen in our town, I benefited greatly from them. I used to think it was my job to come up with solutions for everyone. I now know it isn't! Wow!
~ ~ Glad you felt okay to open up. You're in my thoughts. Let us know how you're doing.
love, Kath
poster:Kath
thread:888079
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/888958.html