Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 2, 2009, at 20:11:34
In reply to Re: Tomorrow is coming too fast!! yikes! » fleeting flutterby, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 2, 2009, at 8:01:43
Sassy--- I read your post just before I went to T.s and it also helped me a lot as did others posts. Thank you.
> You shouldnt be resposnible for your mother or any other adult. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in being healthy. you can stop allowing her to use emotional blackmail.<<flutterby: Yes, you are right. cept.... I struggle to avoid the "knee jerk" reaction to make everything OK for the mother. My mind tells me-- "This time! If you can just make everything OK for her then she will finally truly love and care about you"......
> you cannot "demand" respect from your husband (or anyone else), but you can teach them how to treat you (if they do not respect you......distance yourself or no contact).<<
flutterby:-- teaching others how to treat me-- that is important, I see that now.... but... first I think I need to grasp how I wish to be treated and set that in motion....
> you cannot control what your mother thinks, does or says (or anyone else for that matter).<<flutterby:-- Ha! you sound just like the T. I see. :o)... that's a compliment- by the way.
>>Perhaps learn to drop what yu cannot control (your mother, husband). They will make their choices. you also have choices.<<
flutterby:-- I have to keep reminding myself of this... I feel so guilty for everyone elses troubles... messages in my head tell me I MUST fix them in order to be of worth. .... I'm learning that it is a constant uphill battle though... *sigh*.....
> Tell the husband that he needs to get help for his drinking. If he chooses to not do that; I would separate.<<flutterby:-- have done the first part.... am just about at the "separate" level. :o(
> Have a conversation (or send letter) to mother:
> you reversed our roles and that is not fair. you are supposed to be MY mother, not the other way around. From now on, when you ask my advice, I will tell you that it is your decision (you are an adult), and I will not be a part of your decision making process. I will not be blamed for anything pertaining to your life.<<flutterby:-- whew... that is a heavy thing for me to do-- but I understand very well what you are saying. Lately I've been telling her things like- "it's up to you to decide".... and.."you have to think about what is best for you, only YOU can know that"..... it's been difficult for me to stand up like that -- but I'm working on it and thanks to you and others, I feel I'm not all alone in this... it's so nice to have advice. (I have 0 friends-IRL... really.... I don't think people believe me, but it's true.... my family can verify it) so you all posting to me-- means so very much-- you all have no idea.
>
>flutterby-mandy
poster:fleeting flutterby
thread:888079
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/888329.html