Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 1, 2009, at 16:27:47
I'm quite private about things.... it's even VERY difficult to open up to the T. I see. I havn't been to therapy for a month and I have an appointment tomorrow-- yikes!!
It's like I'm standing on the shore and there was a boat nearby but it's gradually drifted.... drifted so far that now it's a tiny tiny speck on the horizon-- about to be engulfed into that never ending line where water meets sky..... that's my connection with T.-- almost gone. Seems like it will be way too much work to get that "boat" back near me.... feels overwhelming.
I had so many bad things happen in this past month.... even called T. once and started crying... yea-- ME crying!!(and besides I NEVER call T.) that sure was being vulnerable, on my part. I've learned(from childhood and on) that the less people know about my feelings the less likely I'll be hurt. What if I blew it? T. heard me cry(yes, it was on the phone, but still).... that could be an open door for her to know what makes me cry now. maybe she'll think less of me..... When the phone call was ending with her(she had a client that she needed to work with) she said that she would like it if I called her in a couple days, -- "yea, right"-- I thought (I didn't believe her and I'm still not sure)..... so I didn't call her.... that's been 4 weeks ago....
You know the saying -- "the squeaky wheel gets oiled"?.... I'm not ever the squeaky wheel.... I get too much anxiety that way.... so then-- because I'm NOT squeaking it's ALWAYS assumed that I and everything else is fine......
but it's not fine...... my marriage is in dire trouble as I demand respect from my husband and request he stop drinking-- so he is very upset with me..... mother's life is in shambles(health wise and emotionally) as she prepares to move back near me-- and live with her boyfriend- and leave her trailer(hundreds of miles away) empty, as it won't sell. I've always always been her surrogate mother since I was 13 when my dad had his first heart attack.(he's now deceased) I don't know HOW to make things better for her.....she always asks me what she should do-- then if I say something and it doesn't work out she gets mad at me and tells everyone what a horrible daughter she has..... feels so overwhelming..... ugh.... :o(
My hours have been cut at my part-time job... if they cut anymore, I'll just be at home all day...
My sons are struggling....... lawyers, court dates, doctor visits....
it's all too much...... :o( :o( :o(and it feels like tomorrow- therapy- will be yet one MORE thing to feel overwhelmed about(seeing that boat way out there about to vanish).....
sometimes I wonder if this therapy stuff is even good for people...... is it really worth the anxiety..... does it really help.....
I don't know.... just don't know.... my eyes are open but I don't seem to be able to see ..... seems as though I'm looking at my life through an opaque window....
*sigh*..... I so wish all this would just end.... I'm so tired.....
flutterby-mandy
poster:fleeting flutterby
thread:888079
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/888079.html