Posted by Sharon7 on February 5, 2009, at 20:36:46
In reply to Re: If my Therapist doesn't call...... » Sharon7, posted by wittgensteinz on February 5, 2009, at 8:10:15
**Warning!** This is loooooong.. (o:
Hi Witti. I hope you're feeling a little better. I'm going to try for the first time to comment directly on some of the things you said. Man, I can't believe how much alike we are in a lot of ways, as far as the trust and abandonment issues. We'll have to swap horror stories sometime about how we ended up with these problems! I'll give you a hint about mine: starts with a "M" has 6 letters and ends with an "R." (Bless her heart, though. I know she didn't damage me emotionally intentionally. She suffered a lot as a child, too, so I guess it's just the cycle continuing. Thank God I didn't have children, so it stops here. Sorry.. didn't mean to get back on to ME again! It's all about me! Gosh, I hope not. My therapist told me last time that I'm not the center of the universe. I didn't like that very much. lol.
Here goes:
> .... I have big trust issues. With the slightest sign that someone doesn't mean what they say or are tired of me, I run a mile and don't look back.
That's me to the 'T' (no pun intended.) lol!
> ...... I'd sooner leave the relationship than be abandoned. I also feel a need to test relationships - I never trust that the other person really has good intentions. Of course this 'testing' is very hard on relationships - in my case I wait for the other person to take initiative because I don't want to impose on them/don't want to take the risk of reaching out and being cut off (which gives them the impression that I am not interested in having a relationship with them because they're the one always contacting me and not vice versa). I think that's why the therapy relationship is so hard for me because I am the one having to reach out to him - I go to him, phone him etc.
I feel exactly the same way, witti.
> I realise working with someone like me must be a burden to you. I would hate it that you continue treating me because of your principles or an obligation you feel, rather than a wish to. I would rather you simply stopped and told me to find someone else than this. So, if this is how you do feel, please just tell me. I'll probably feel upset but I'll soon get over it and move on.
>
That sounds exactly like a couple letters I've written to my t. Did yours give you reason to believe he was feeling that way towards you? Reason I ask is, mine never 'said' anything to make me think she felt that way. I pretty much just assumed she did, because, who wouldn't? I start thinking those things due to the way I interpret her vibe sometimes, because I'm so ultra sensitive when it comes to how I 'think' she is acting towards me. I realize how childish this is. Earlier you said your therapist seemed distracted. I wonder if he could be having a crisis in his personal life or something. Because of course, we'd never know!Maybe if I/we could somehow come to understand that our t's are human (well, yours is.. lol! Just kidding! Oh, I'm REAL close to 'somehow-coming-to-understand' the humanity of our therapist. I can't help it right now but I certainly understand it a lot more since talking to all you guys. I just think she's wonderful. Even when she's not as nice to me as I want her to be. But get this: if I felt secure, I mean, REALLY secure (assuming that is even possible for people like me/us,) if I did not worry at all about her dumping me as a patient, not liking me, thinking my behavior is reprehensible (because it is,) not caring about me in whatever capacity she is allowed to as my therapist, if I didn't fear those things, she could act anyway she wants. She could even have a bad day if she wanted to and I would not take it personally. I could get out of this paranoid state. I think I may have felt a little more secure with her earlier on because she even raised her voice to me one time, and I didn't care. (I actually kind of liked it and had in fact been trying to provoke her, which I didn't think was going to work. I was pretty surprised she responded the way I had hoped. But why in the WORLD I would get a 'rise' out of her getting mad at me, and the only reason it didn't bother me in the least is because I felt secure, is a whole other can of worms I suspect! Hey, I may have just crossed over into a form of neuroticism I truly am the pioneer of! LOL! So far, that has not been the case since I've been reading & sharing on here. (o:
> He later said "This pattern of pushing people away is something unconscious, I believe, and rests on your deep fear of abandonment. You might succeed in stepping out of friendships but you won't succeed with me. I won't abandon you, no matter how hard you try."
Man. If mine ever said that to me I would have thought I'd died and gone to heave. I'm not real clear on my timeline. When did you t say that to you?
- And when I thought about it, this desire to test/check is almost like an itch I need to scratch. I don't have enough self-esteem to rest on to reassure myself that "it's ok, don't worry" or to pick myself up again after I do experience abandonment and think "well, that didn't work out but that doesn't mean it never will" - instead I have to check again and again, obsessively. I don't have noisy ruptures with people (although having noisy ruptures is not so different in the end result), instead I tiptoe away with the belief "they didn't like me, they didn't care - I'm not worthy of being liked and people intrinsically 'feel' that when they meet me".
That is almost erie (sp?) how much that sounds like me. For whatever that's worth to you. You are not alone.
> The problem with this approach to relationships (apart from the obvious one that it can bring about their end!) is that the only definite conclusion one can reach about the other person is a negative one. I mean, when I think about it, is there anything that my T could do to prove to me that he does care?That is a very good question. I hope we can both get this resolved once and for all. Mine does not constantly reassure me. She has told me before that she won't give up on me or 'fire me' as we call it, but like you, I worry 'something's changed' since she said that. I wonder how many times she'd have to say it before I'd actually believe it?
>the only answer that would bring this anxiety to an end is the knowledge that he does NOT care - is his permanent abandonment (the very thing I am anxious about).
I don't believe that is true, witti. There must be an answer and a way for us to resolve our fears.
>
> Take the example of your therapist and her chairs - she starts sitting on a different chair and this leads you to think "is this a sign she wants to get rid of me?" - I would probably have thought the same had my therapist done this (and there are enough things I could point out that he's done to give me pause for thought). I might think "he takes the other chair so as not to be so comfortable because he doesn't want to get comfortable with me/get used to seeing me, as soon he'll get rid of me". Of course this is just the power of a creative mind but it's very hard living with these thoughts and stopping them from spiraling out of control without someone regulating them.Exactly. See what I mean? You think just like me in many ways on this issue. I have taken some comfort in that. I had no idea how cathartic it would be just knowing there were other people suffering with the same BS I am. (Well, I'm not glad others are suffering! lol! You know what I mean!)
> ...... I guess I want to say "you're not alone" but this is something very difficult to work through (on your own) and I'm sure your therapist knows this too - so please find a way to see your therapist again.
I will. Thank you so much. I hope you're feeling better. I think I am. (o:
Sharon
poster:Sharon7
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878328.html