Posted by wittgensteinz on February 5, 2009, at 8:10:15
In reply to Re: If my Therapist doesn't call...... » wittgensteinz, posted by Sharon7 on February 5, 2009, at 5:39:30
I don't know if this will be relevant or helpful but these are my thoughts:
This push me pull me thing is something I experience too. I have big trust issues. With the slightest sign that someone doesn't mean what they say or are tired of me, I run a mile and don't look back.
When I started therapy (I've been seeing my therapist for nearly 2 years now), fairly early on I warned my therapist that it could well happen that one day I just won't turn up and he'd never hear from me again. At this point, now that I feel attached to him, I doubt that will happen - but basically I'd sooner leave the relationship than be abandoned. I also feel a need to test relationships - I never trust that the other person really has good intentions. Of course this 'testing' is very hard on relationships - in my case I wait for the other person to take initiative because I don't want to impose on them/don't want to take the risk of reaching out and being cut off (which gives them the impression that I am not interested in having a relationship with them because they're the one always contacting me and not vice versa). I think that's why the therapy relationship is so hard for me because I am the one having to reach out to him - I go to him, phone him etc.
I can give an example a couple of weeks back when I mailed my T saying:
I realise working with someone like me must be a burden to you. I would hate it that you continue treating me because of your principles or an obligation you feel, rather than a wish to. I would rather you simply stopped and told me to find someone else than this. So, if this is how you do feel, please just tell me. I'll probably feel upset but I'll soon get over it and move on.
He later said "This pattern of pushing people away is something unconscious, I believe, and rests on your deep fear of abandonment. You might succeed in stepping out of friendships but you won't succeed with me. I won't abandon you, no matter how hard you try." - And when I thought about it, this desire to test/check is almost like an itch I need to scratch. I don't have enough self-esteem to rest on to reassure myself that "it's ok, don't worry" or to pick myself up again after I do experience abandonment and think "well, that didn't work out but that doesn't mean it never will" - instead I have to check again and again, obsessively. I don't have noisy ruptures with people (although having noisy ruptures is not so different in the end result), instead I tiptoe away with the belief "they didn't like me, they didn't care - I'm not worthy of being liked and people intrinsically 'feel' that when they meet me".
The problem with this approach to relationships (apart from the obvious one that it can bring about their end!) is that the only definite conclusion one can reach about the other person is a negative one. I mean, when I think about it, is there anything that my T could do to prove to me that he does care? Yes, he can make caring gestures, which he has done, he can say he cares, again which he has, but still I worry "that was then, does he still mean it now?" - the only answer that would bring this anxiety to an end is the knowledge that he does NOT care - is his permanent abandonment (the very thing I am anxious about). So I suppose the thing to strive for is a state where we no longer ask that question, or at least not obsessively (of course everyone has to exercise judgment over other peoples' characters and intentions in life - but that's being street-wise). I'm far from reaching that goal and have no idea how I will get there :( but it's a step along the way to see where this kind of thinking inevitably ends up and how in the end, sadly, it can only reinforce our anxiety of being abandoned).
Take the example of your therapist and her chairs - she starts sitting on a different chair and this leads you to think "is this a sign she wants to get rid of me?" - I would probably have thought the same had my therapist done this (and there are enough things I could point out that he's done to give me pause for thought). I might think "he takes the other chair so as not to be so comfortable because he doesn't want to get comfortable with me/get used to seeing me, as soon he'll get rid of me". Of course this is just the power of a creative mind but it's very hard living with these thoughts and stopping them from spiraling out of control without someone regulating them.
Sorry this was so long. I guess I want to say "you're not alone" but this is something very difficult to work through (on your own) and I'm sure your therapist knows this too - so please find a way to see your therapist again.
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878175.html