Posted by Sharon7 on February 7, 2009, at 14:14:24
In reply to Re: If my Therapist doesn't call...... » Sharon7, posted by lucie lu on February 6, 2009, at 11:56:48
Hi Lucy! You know what's strange? I could have sworn I responded to you last night but I am not seeing it here! Well! hmm? maybe i forgot to hit confirm or something.
Anyway, i was thanking you for sharing your experiences. I really like hearing how others are dealing with this stuff. It sounds like you are doing very well and that you have a caring therapist who wants to work with you on this.
You know, I wish my T was more like yours in that, I wish she would be even just a 'little' available to me in between visits. It certainly wouldn't be often because I worry so much about being a bother to her (or doing something that would cause her to throw in the towel with me.) I assume most T's are not accessible outside of the appt time, but as you and I know, with these kind of trust and abandoment issues, I think it would be very helpful, even just to know (or at least 'think') it was "okay" to reach out in between sessions during a crisis, even if just by allowing an occassional email, maybe until we're not quite so insecure and don't require constant reassurance. Know what I mean? I'm glad you can email your T. I wish I could email mine sometime but like I said before, i won't run the risk of asking for her email address because I expect she'd say "no." Besides, I figure if she wanted me to have her email address, she'd give it to me.
I really need to try and speak with her about what's going on inside, to see if she is even willing (and even cares to. A huge component!)try and help me resolve my need to be mothered. It distresses me greatly that in my 40's, these feelings are still possible. One of my greatest fears was that I would not simply grow out of this. I had to believe that, because I didn't know what to do to make it stop. Well, my fear is being realized. There's nothing I can say to myself to to feel better about still needing someone to mother me in my mid-40's, although, if I were to have some moment of compassion on myself (not likely) could easily come to the conclusion that no matter how old you get, people still need their mother, but not in the child like way I feel I want/need one. I honestly don't know if that can ever be replaced. Perhaps it's more a matter of learning to cope with it. I just don't want to be 80 and still feel this way, like something very important is missing on the inside. I fear this is a need that can never be satisfied. I like to hope it can, or at least the amount of suffering it causes.
I did want to say, I will call my T during a major emotional crisis. i've had to call her 3 or 4 times in 1.5 years, but it was always during normal business hours with the understanding she would return my call when she finished work. I both anxiously anticipated, as well as dreaded her return call. She never told me it was okay to call, even in an emergency. I just did and it was scary each time. She was certainly not over joyed at having to call me, although she didn't just come right out and say that. It was more her tone of voice and shortness I guess. (Unless that was just my perception. Always gotta throw that in because of my faulty antenna & radar system.) This might sound selfish, but I feel like with as much money as I pay for her services, if she has return a call to me on a rare occasion during a crisis, I think I should have that benefit. She might disagree. (I could not even fathom calling her after work or on the weekends! I'm sure she's glad about that.)
Sorry. Didn't mean to wander off into "Me-ville!" I seem to make frequent stops there!
Anyway, thanks for your reply. i hope your journey to wholeness continues to progress at exactly the speed that will insure permanent relief from these demons we face.
Take care now. Hope you're having a nice weekend.
Sharon (o:
poster:Sharon7
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878754.html