Posted by wittgensteinz on February 8, 2009, at 5:40:21
In reply to Re: If my Therapist doesn't call...... » wittgensteinz, posted by Sharon7 on February 6, 2009, at 23:34:42
By the way, good for you for phoning your T - it sucks the secretary was so incompetent but that's besides the point. You did it and that's a big thing!
My fears with motherhood are either that despite my efforts I'd morph into my mother or that in trying to do the opposite I would somehow harm the child all the same. I had a very strict mother, so I would probably be too lenient and unstructured with my children, or that's my fear. I'd want them to feel free, not suffocated. I've talked with my T in passing - he asked me if I saw myself as a mother - he said he thought I would be a vigorous and lively mother - did he mean a 'fun' mother? Or lively as in volatile?! I would like to be like my dad's mother - she was so much fun and more importantly she was stable and reasonable.
You asked what kind of power my mother had over me. I wasn't neglected - the opposite perhaps - my mother needed to control everything. She needed to know everything that was going on and if it didn't fit what she wanted then all hell would let loose. Examples best explain it: if I didn't do something quite right, she'd make me repeat it over and over and over - she'd make me do the washing up 5 times over and as punishment for not using hot enough water ("how can you expect the dishes to be clean if you use lukewarm water?") she'd make me hold my hands under a scolding hot tap and call me a baby for finding it too hot. If I put something back in the wrong place, this would lead to hours of hysterics and physical punishment (this went on until I left home at 18) - I remember one time I placed a spoon the 'wrong way up' on the draining board after doing the washing up - this was enough to trigger one of these episodes. She would routinely go through my rubbish bin (in front of me) to check I didn't hide anything from her. She made me eat with a bib until I was well into junior school because she said I ate like a baby - she made me wear the bib in front of my friends, on my birthdays. Sometimes I'd be fast asleep and she'd suddenly become angry about something or find something wrong and come rushing into my room screaming. I could never relax - if I was in a room on my own, I always had to be behind a closed door to feel safe and I never sat with my back to the door - I always had to be ready.
The thing with my mother was that she had two sides - sometimes she'd be sweet and loving, she'd buy me presents, give me cuddles, encourage me to share my thoughts/feelings. Then unexpectedly she'd switch into an hysterical angry and sadistic person. She'd find a reason to punish me, and there was always something, and take the gift away, break it or return it to the shop, and she'd go into this long tyrade about how pathetic I was, citing all those very things I'd told her when she was being nice. So she'd be kind, I'd let myself be vulnerable and begin to trust her and then suddenly a few hours (or a day or so) later she'd flip and suddenly all that vulnerability and trust would come back to bite me, and this pattern repeated itself again and again until I simply stopped trusting. I think that's what's now at the root of my problems with trust. I'm forever waiting for my therapist to 'flip' into the sadist. When someone's nice or encouraging or complimentary, I cannot escape a voice in my head warning me that they don't mean that at all and in a matter of time they'll use it against me. That's the 'internalised mother' - a cynical voice telling me not to be so stupid and naive - telling me that no-one would possibly want anything with me, that if they're being nice, it's only so they can have fun in hurting me later. I spent my youth walking on tip-toes - also with others, terrified I would upset them at any moment. I was not able to stand up for myself - standing up for myself was not an option at home. At school the other kids soon latched on to the fact that I'd do anything without complaining, so they'd use me and laugh at me - throw rubbish at me and tell me to put it in the bin, that kind of thing.
So, again a long reply. The relationship between being negelcted and unnoticed and your fears that your T doesn't rememember your name etc. is logical I think. Would you be able to share more about the impact of your mother on you now? Maybe it makes sense of your strong attachment to some women as mother-figures.
I had a very passive father - he just stood and watched and never dared to stand up for me or my brother, even if my mother was standing there with a knife in her hand pointed at me (which happened on occasion). I've never yearned for a mother - but I adored my father and yearned for him to be there for me. So, I see the connection between a weak father and my desire to find a father figure strong enough to stand up for me and protect me - hence I guess my transference for my therapist (I also felt a strong attachment to a male teacher I had in high school - I even fantasied that my parents died in an accident and that I could go and live with him as his daughter).
Ok, I'll stop there. I hope this wasn't a case of TMI!
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878871.html