Posted by workinprogress on January 2, 2009, at 16:22:48
In reply to In the midst of it all, posted by Little Soul on December 30, 2008, at 21:16:38
Little Soul-
I think the issue that you bring up, transference, but particularly insecurity and confusion about it, the need to feel "normal" about it... is one of the top topics here on this board. I haven't been here too long and I've seen it come up over and over again. It's what helped me find the board...
I'm sure this has been mentioned (I read the whole thread a bit ago, but can't remember), but I would encourage you to keep talking to your T about the jealousy. I think it's pretty normal and I think she'd understand and help you feel ok about it. I don't think it's any sort of "beyond normal transference", if it is, lots of us here have gone beyond normal... and then what is normal?
I felt really freaky when I realized I was jealous of my T's kids, particularly the 11 year old, whom I could imagine still crawling in her lap. I wanted to crawl into her lap. I told my T and she got it, validated me, made it normal, and then we talked about the desire to be an "only child" and how every kid wants that, but it isn't reality. Doesn't mean it's not an ok feeling to have, just that you have to deal with the fact that there are others- though she doesn't have any shortage of love. Anyway, talking to her more, being as honest as you can, might help you feel more settled.
Also, it makes sense that there's a sense of loss for her not being in your same place. I'm sure you felt camaraderie and an extra sense of empathy and also having a special connection. Now that's gone, it makes sense to me that you'd grieve that.
I don't think you've gone off the deep end at all. I think you are letting yourself feel what's really there. A deep yearning for a connection with a loving person. A desire to have that all to yourself, a fear that it might go away and a desperate need not to lose it. I've been there... settled down and thought phew, glad I feel more comfortable, it's so much easier.
As I began to trust more and feel safer in the relationship I felt less obsessive and fixated on her. But, I'm now realizing, it isn't all linear. I've hit a hard spot with the holidays and need her a little more and she wasn't there for me in the way she usually is. So, I think I took a backstep in the trust arena and am just digging a little deeper- means I need her more. So... I'm back sitting in your boat with you. Waiting for an email back. Yearning. It's a hard space, but my T would say it's probably the most important work of therapy, the scariest (and many people don't get there), but critical to moving forward.
So... you're doing great to let yourself go there.
Good luck and you've come to a great place. Take advantage of it!
{{{{{{{{{Little Soul}}}}}}}}}}
-WIP
> Hi everyone - I'm a new member and am seeking your advice on an issue. I'm currently experiencing some strong transference issues and want to know if anyone here has experienced the same thing? Just to give you some context, I've been in therapy for about 2 years with a wonderful therapist whose been extremely helpful. My therapist's husband died two months before I started therapy with her, recently she has started seeing someone and I find myself unbelievably jealous. I think about this relationship all the time and find it more intense than my initial transference with her. My thoughts are that I don't want her to have a man in her life, although I don't want to be her lover as I'm married to a wonderful man, as well as I don't want her to be happy without me (slightly embarrassed to admit this). My history is one of childhood trauma and abuse as well as of infant abandonment by my mother. Although my mother came back, there was no relationship between us that could resemble a healthy mother/daughter relationship. In addition, my dad started abusing me when I was about 8 years old.
>
> I've just begun to mention my jealously to my therapist, but feel embarassed to dwell on her relationship too much. She is very willing to discuss with me, but this feels to me like it's going beyond the normal transference stuff and so I'm reluctant to go too much further in therapy sessions. Not only do I think about her relationship with him in general - dinner with friends, going on trips together but specifically - I've started to think about them together sexually and that really "freaks me out".
>
> I know transference is normal and critical to the theraputic relationship, but I feel like I've gone over the deep end with this one. Can someone give me some perspective?
>
> Thanks,
> Little Soul
poster:workinprogress
thread:871513
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871956.html