Posted by turtle on November 28, 2008, at 19:26:30
In reply to Re: thanksgiving aftermath, posted by Dinah on November 28, 2008, at 15:14:19
> I may be totally weird in this, but why do you need to see them?
>Dinah,
You make a very good point. Why do I need to maintain contact with them at all? The thought feels kind of freeing, but also scary for some reason that I can't define.
I don't understand yet my sense of obligation or why I force myself. I don't get anything in return from them. I have no inner need to see them. Maybe this is a question I need to try to answer.
I have reduced the amount that I see them to what is "barely minimum" to maintain some sort of a dysfunctional family relationship. They live close so I end up making a lot of excuses. I'm balancing the distance I need with avoiding creating rejected feelings in them that would in turn make things more difficult for me in an entirely different way. In the end, it's still all about "feeding their needs" when I play this game. Maybe some day I'll be strong enough to be honest with them.
I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have your mom show up an hour late to a restaurant during a busy thanksgiving night! That must have been very awkward! When my relationship with my current significant other first started to show stress, my partner also did something similar to me. That Thanksgiving she wouldn't get out of bed and kept going back and forth about whether she would even go or not. Begging and trying to reason with her did not help. She waited until a whole hour after we were supposed to be at my sister's before she *started* showering and making the dish she was going to take with us. We were very late and I was so embarrassed. It took me awhile to slowly start taking care of myself first in those situations and to let her fend for herself - meaning that I now leave when I need to even if it means going by myself and having her meet up with us later. It also turns out that she has an anxiety disorder (nowhere near controlled yet at that time) that was contributing to her dragging her feet that day. Maybe your mother or uncle also had some sort of emotional struggle that slowed them down?
Thanks!
Turtle
poster:turtle
thread:865593
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/865652.html