Posted by turtle on November 28, 2008, at 12:47:34
Overall, becoming more self aware-mindful has been a good thing for me. Every day I'm slowly becoming more connected to who I am - my needs, my emotions, my reactions. I'm becoming stronger. Therapy has really helped me with all of that.
The down side is that as I become more self aware I'm less able to tolerate being around my parents, and this is becoming a big problem for me. I'm not ready to make changes (react, confront, draw attention to myself, or cut them out of my life) but at the same time I feel tortured by continuing to be around them.
What can I do other than avoiding them and drinking my way through dinner? With Thanksgiving I thankfully had the role as family cook to hide behind, but what will I do next time when there is no handy distraction?
I don't know how to get my dad to stop giving me a hug. Its the worst. I can feel myself split off and get stiff, moving mentally away from the physical closeness. I'm self-aware enough now to watch the process. I'm also having a problem with feeling revulsion. I can't eat anything that is remotely associated with my dad - if he's touched it or if it was made at his house. Before our Thanksgiving dinner he was wandering in the kitchen with his fingers in everything. Somehow he always ends up sitting right next to me for dinner. No matter how I try to plan where I will sit so that we are not next to each other, it always seems to happen. During the dinner my mind somehow puts him into a black hole so that he just disappears from my awareness and from memory of the event. How is it that no one ever notices that he's not there (the mysterious space-time disruption that has swallowed him up) and that I've also checked out?
I almost wish I could go back to being completely shut down. This is torture. I'm betrayed by my own body reactions and emotions that I can't even completely name yet. I feel desperate. I want to continue my progress but I keep running into these things that are just too painful.
How do I do this? How do I remain true to myself (making progress with being present in the moment) while still continuing to be around the people who caused me to develop my issues? My therapist asks, "what if you don't split off and allow yourself the hug? What emotions are behind there?" But I just can't. My awareness is already too much.
This morning I really do feel like I've been through something horrible last night. Over the last year or so the sense of dread and obligation I feel about seeing my parents has shifted to a feeling of panic and being overwhelmed. Both of my parents make me react this strongly, just in different ways. I just don't know how to get through all of this.
poster:turtle
thread:865593
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/865593.html