Posted by DAisym on November 28, 2008, at 15:40:27
In reply to thanksgiving aftermath, posted by turtle on November 28, 2008, at 12:47:34
I could have written what you wrote about Thanksgiving except no cook role to hide behind.
I think it is part of the process of knowing what happened, figuring out your feelings about it, letting it settle in as part of your history and coming to terms with the people responsible. Even if you cut them out of your life, at this stage, it wouldn't mean you'd done it deliberately but more to avoid all these hard feelings. Which isn't a bad reason to avoid family - but it leaves things unfinished.
You sound like you are in such a raw place that they touch your open wounds. When my dad came to visit last summer, I actually had many sessions practicing the practical aspects of what having him around was going to mean. I was (somewhat) prepared for the hug - but I managed to avoid a number of them by having things in my hands - hot coffee, serving dishes, the cat, etc. And I made it a point to take a spot at the table where I could get up and down for the kitchen and I put my kids on either side to "monitor them." It was not easy and I was a wreck after he left. It was exhausting holding it all together. But I felt like you do - not ready to confront, not ready to completely cut them out of my life,etc.
Talking about how I was going to probably feel with my therapist was really important. I wanted to avoid it, but he knew how hard it was going to be and kept coming back to it. And we also brainstormed ways I could feel his safety with me - like having his talisman in my pocket or glancing at something on the kitchen windowsill that reminded me that we are connected.
I sent my therapist an email last night and said, "I can't imagine getting through another family thing in only three weeks" - and my dad wasn't even there yesterday. So you are definately not alone in those feelings. I think I'm going to take a game or puzzle and hang out with my younger nieces and nephews. They are not threatening and actually make me smile. If you can do something like that, it might help. Otherwise, I say just be kind to yourself and do the best you can. Get a good night's sleep before hand and arrive at the last possible minute. Leave as early as possible. Avoid typical family arguments by refusing to engage - silence works pretty well.
I love my family. They drive me crazy and often hurt my feelings. It is such a slow process to allow those who hurt you to also love you.
Take it easy on yourself today. You did go through something yesterday.
poster:DAisym
thread:865593
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/865624.html