Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2008, at 7:49:28
Even though I was neck deep in work, I'd worked on thinking about the vomit phobia as well. We both agreed it wasn't a "simple phobia", and that it was complicated with elements of ptsd, dissociation, and a lot of things I brought to the table that got all entwined with this.
I told him that I thought the key was to stay present while doing any work on exposure. That my natural defense, done very quickly, would be to dissociate. And that in that state, exposure therapy wouldn't be as helpful as it would if I was present and able to access my response. That I would need him to notice if I went away, and I'd need him to call me back.
He said that was expecting a lot from him, and he didn't think he could do it. That he didn't always notice when I left the room, so to speak. And that he didn't have a great track record of knowing how to call me back.
So I've tabled the whole idea. If my therapist has no confidence that he can help me, I seriously doubt he can help me.
I spent the rest of the session calling *him* back to session. He was obviously distracted. He was going away for the weekend and maybe he was halfway there already. As I told him, I spent the first three quarters of the session trying to engage him to be present. I pointed out how I'd done it. I told him that sometimes it felt like I put way more effort than he did into the relationship, and I think he was miffed on that score. But I really do think I put in more energy to bring him to session than he ever has with me.
I pointed out that this was not an unrelated topic, that I was explaining to him how I called him back to session. And that there were many ways, from my more coaxing ways to peremptory demands. But he said he just doesn't *see* the way I do whether someone is emotionally engaged or not. :(
Another thing really bugged me, well more than one thing I suppose. On the way out the door I smiled, thinking that he sure could use a vacation, and wished him a good trip. He answered appropriately but changed the pronoun to "WE", and put emphasis on it. "Thanks. I hope that WE have a good time." That annoyed me. He knows I don't feel for him that way. And he knows I want only the best for his wife and their marriage. There was absolutely no need to forceably remind me of her. Moreover, in context, the way he did it made me think of him in a way I don't wish to ever think of him. In the context of going away for a weekend, forcing the "WE" on me was a rather aggressive act not in keeping with my Ken doll image, and I resent it. I also resent any notion he had that it was necessary. I don't resent the weekend. But that felt like a moving along handshake. I'm always offended when I get one of those because it really isn't necessary. I don't presume.
Although, when the first shock wore off, I could think of other possible interpretations of the addition of the emphasized "WE". None of them are particularly appropriate for our relationship, but the others wouldn't also be insulting.
I'm a bit disappointed with him for both those things. Heaven knows that I don't idealize him or think he's perfect. But these things can still be disappointing.
Still, the funny thing is he really does help me. I had walked into the session totally exhausted to the point of feeling physically odd, removed, having all sorts of temporal lobe experiences (partly because I'd forgotten to take my meds for several days since I take them at bedtime and I hadn't actually gone to bed for several days). When I walked out I felt grounded, more like myself, less dissociated, and more able to finish my workday productively. The temporal lobe stuff was still there, but it bothered me less.
Sigh. Why does he have such powerful effect on me for good? If I were someone who believed in those things, I'd think he emitted some sort of calming brain waves that my brain waves picked up, and that calmed them by contact.
poster:Dinah
thread:860712
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/860712.html