Posted by Suedehead on October 30, 2008, at 18:27:57
In reply to Re: Ill-advised emails, posted by Daisym on October 29, 2008, at 22:32:13
Daisy, I think you're right that I'm feeling deeply ambivalent about my T. It's hard for me to admit that, I think, because that means having to admit that on some level I'm very angry with him right now. I don't want to be angry, and so I've been trying to quash my feelings of hostility whenever they arise. I guess that some of these feelings came out in my dream despite my efforts to keep them away! The very end of it is especially telling, I think--we're in bed one minute, as intimate as two people can be, and the next, he's emerging from the closet, fully clothed, pretending that nothing had happened. This illustrates pretty well the feeling I have that ever since his disclosure, there has been a weird and frustrating on/off quality to our interactions with one another. One minute, he's really present, candid about his feelings, intensely empathetic and caring, and the next, he's totally clinical, framing everything about our relationship in wholly therapeutic terms, ignoring the personal component entirely, and so on.
We actually talked about this today, but I don't think we really got anywhere. It was an incredibly painful session, actually. I felt like crying for most of it. He wasn't too happy that I'd emailed him the dream; he said that he wished I'd felt comfortable enough to tell him about it in person. He said, "I know that it's awkward, but we're going to have to find a way around that. By emailing me, you're conveying the information, sure, but you're doing it from a distance, and I don't want that." He also suggested that by emailing it instead of waiting to try to talk to him, or writing it in a note to give to him in person, I was trying to 'trap' myself into talking about it (since I might not have had the courage to talk or give him the note when it came down to it, but once the email was sent, there was no going back)--and that 'trapping' oneself into talking about something is not really conducive to having very positive or productive conversations about that thing. He's right, of course, but it hurt to hear it. I thought that he was kind of unduly harsh, honestly, because it took a lot of nerve for me to email him, and he didn't even acknowledge that. Sure, it may not have been sufficiently brave or sufficiently open (or whatever) for him, but, God, I'm *trying*, you know? I figured that if trapping myself into talking about it was the best that I could do, I should do it, and I had hoped that he would appreciate the effort.
There's more, but I'm tired, and I don't think I can summon the energy to write about it all right now. Maybe later...
poster:Suedehead
thread:859675
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859974.html