Posted by lucie lu on October 2, 2008, at 17:44:31
In reply to Do you know where your T....?, posted by JayMac on October 2, 2008, at 16:15:44
Hi Jay,
Definitely do not feel ashamed of these needs and urges, theyre so very common in therapy and just part of the big mix. Your T will have covered this ground before. It is not that you are nosy, its just another manifestation of your trying to work out the intricacies of your relationship with her. This might be a really good time to talk with her - not only about her boundaries are but also about your needs and wishes in that complex arena. She will understand and appreciate that you want to protect her privacy because you care about her, and that you are trying to understand your own needs and want to learn how to balance the needs of both of you. That is a really healthy thing and a great thing to work out. So here's my 2-cents worth:
First of all, don't feel too guilty about finding out where she lives. It is only natural that a client might be curious, and in this electronic age it would be absurd for anyone to think their address is not freely available on the Internet to any 4th grader who bothers to look. I checked out my T on the web, back when I was in my untrusting stage and worried that he might secretly be an axe-murderer. (Well, how would I know if I didn't look? Fortunately he wasn't, no arrests, no suspicious dead bodies, whew!) There is a ton of info that is freely available to the public and IMO it would be rather pointless for a T to ask a client to ignore what a simple Google search would turn up. Let's face it, privacy is not what it used to be. We are all affected. Ever Google yourself?
Having said that... there are important questions you might want to ask yourself. First, what is it that you'd really like to know about her? It's usually personal details that clients want, although some clients may not want to know anything at all; it's a very individual preference. Many Ts will answer at least some basic factual questions if asked, especially in the earlier stages of therapy (it tends to get more complicated later on, which is another good reason for asking early). You can then ask yourself, why it is that you'd like that particular information? Do you need to know more about her as a person to be able to trust her, to keep her in your mind between sessions, to picture her as the mother you never had by finding out whether she has kids of her own, etc? Those would all be rich areas to explore. Let's say you are tempted to drive by her house. What might be the need underlying that wish or action? Would you do it as self-comfort when you are lonely for her? Or to assure yourself that she won't run away?
The advantages of starting to discuss these things together are many. First of all, in a practical sense, you can find out from her exactly where she draws the comfort line. That could help eliminate your guilt and shame about wanting to know something. Many Ts, for example, don't seem to mind clients driving past their street or even house, as long as it's not obsessive, obstructive, or intrusive (opening their mailbox!). They understand how difficult and uncomfortable the therapeutic relationship can feel with its limits and unbalanced power. On the other hand, stalking is illegal. But there's a lot of ground in between. So wouldn't it be nice to take the guilt and worry off you if she said it was OK to drive by her street once in a while? Or maybe you can make a deal to bring the subject up at the next session whenever you have a strong urge to do something like a drive-by. Not so much to prevent you from the action, but to identify a potentially valuable opportunity for learning important things about you and your feelings about your relationship with her. And finally, another advantage in talking about it is that if she can see what needs are being expressed and what yearnings are uncovered, maybe she can help you find a more gratifying or satisfying way to address them, something that actually feels better than a quick drive-by. These are all possibilities, and it sounds like you have a really good T, so I'd go for it and try at least opening the door maybe with a little piece of it - e.g. that you found her address - and go from there. If anything she says embarrasses you or makes you feel ashamed, talk about it directly. Its extremely unlikely that that is her intent and it too can open up rich areas, give her a chance to help you feel less ashamed of your wants and needs etc. The only other piece of advice is to do this fairly early in the relationship. I wish I had, because it's harder to raise these issues later on, or at least it has been for me.
I need to introduce a caveat, in that my assumption is that your T has a psychodynamic orientation, which for some reason I thought was the case. If she's more CBT, she may have an entirely different view of the relationship and its meaning and purpose. I really don't know much about that, maybe someone else can answer that for you if that's her orientation.
Hope this helps,
Lucie
Sorry for the long-winded reply!
poster:lucie lu
thread:855293
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/855315.html