Posted by obsidian on September 25, 2008, at 23:18:06
In reply to how do you do it? (triggers), posted by onceupon on September 25, 2008, at 10:37:38
> Deal with thoughts and images of suicide, that is? Each day it feels like the world is becoming more unreal and each day I'm slipping away a little more.
mmm.... I think about it, and then I imagine telling my T about it, and he's telling me that the thoughts don't make sense, but with a lot of warmth
> On the outside, I still seem to be functioning, pretty much. Get to work (don't always do the best job, though), care for the kiddo, force myself to engage at least with him. But all the rest? The cooking, cleaning, school deadlines, socializing? Couldn't care less. I told my therapist the other day that sometimes it seems like I keep going on because it is the thing to do. It is what I do. One foot in front of the other. Step, step, step. She tried to convince me that the act of going on belies some small amount of hope. At the time it felt more like cowardice, though. More like feeling frozen and unable to exit this loop of doing, doing, doing.
"Sometimes courage doesn't roar... sometimes it's that small voice at night saying "I'll try again tomorrow".
I keep this quote on a magnet next to my desk
so when I really start to get terrified, and really unable to deal with a lot
I can look at it
I forget it's there a lot though
and this one:
"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."
...this one is a little closer to where I can see it> And that's when the thoughts and images of suicide come, sometimes in waves almost. It's an old coping mechanism, thinking of suicide, but it's awfully hard to push aside sometimes. I try, I put it in a corner, I distract myself, but it always comes back, unbidden. How do you deal with this when it feels like it's going to drown you?
try to keep from sinking... I have these dreams where there is a tidal wave coming, and it is just above my head, and the waves are like 20 feet high, and I am always thinking "how the hell am I going to get of here?"
it's scary, you have to find a way to say it verbally or to express it, in art in writing, somehow, and you've got to share it with your T
> To be clear, I have no plan to act on these thoughts. They just get so big sometimes. You know, I got away from them last spring, when I wasn't working as much. I started an antidepressant and fish oil, and started running again. But it's all fading away now, and the despair has returned, heavy in my chest. Could be seasonal. But I can't help but thinking that it *always* comes back. It makes me so tired.wow, I wish I could go running again, truth be told I was addicted to it once upon a time- this is a crazy thought as I sit here on this couch
;-), but it used to help me A LOT or just keep me from sinking anyway
but it is so hard to get motivated, especially when I am just fried from the day
poster:obsidian
thread:853981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854137.html