Posted by onceupon on September 25, 2008, at 22:54:15
In reply to Re: how do you do it? (triggers), posted by DAisym on September 25, 2008, at 12:53:54
It was interesting to read what you wrote about loneliness and despair leading to the feelings and anxiety and fear causing the actions. Sometimes the causality seems a little confused for me. It's like I'm not sure which came first - suicidal thoughts, or the loneliness. They certainly always seem to come together.
I have attempted suicide, many years ago, and I can look back now and realize that it was at least in part because I was so dang agitated at the time. The littlest things would seem to set my nervous system on edge.
And you're right about being able to hide it so well. It's certainly not the kind of thing you bring up in casual conversation, and even in therapy, it's not easy to talk about. I've been surprised at how few follow up questions my therapist has had after I've raised the issue of suicide. We've also talked about how invested I am in maintaining some semblance of normalcy and to appear competent (at what, I'm not exactly sure). So I know I sometimes soften the intensity of things in therapy b/c it's so hard for me to let my guard down. Not to mention that feeling vulnerable seems to open up more pathways towards thinking about suicide. I don't quite understand how it's all connected, which frustrates me too. So much of it feels just plain *visceral* like my body is going to do its own thing, despite whatever my head might be trying to tell it. Okay, that got really convoluted. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense. It sounds like your therapist responds well when you bring up suicide. In some ways, I think he's right, that these dark things are so dark *because* they're not talked about. On the other hand, I tend to either downplay any concerns about suicide in therapy or walk away from a conversation feeling ashamed and overwhelmed.
I need to write one of those lists, I think. In my head, my son is always front and center. It worries me sometimes to put such a great responsibility on a not-yet 2-year-old without his knowledge though. There was a time not too long ago when I somehow managed to tell my therapist that I thought my family (husband and son) would be better off without me, for various and sundry reasons. And for the first time, I was feeling confident that my husband could raise our son well. My therapist, of course, forced me to look at the actual consequences of my suicide on my family. I understood, intellectually, that it would be devastating, but it almost made me feel more guilty, in a twisted kind of way. Like it served as proof that I was unfit as a mother, b/c I couldn't properly anticipate the consequences of my death on my child. I was pretty well-versed in the backwards logic of depression. The shame of all of it was excruciating too. My therapist has small children, and I felt as if she found me detestable, that I could even think of leaving my child in that way.
Thanks for your response, Daisy. It's nice not to feel so alone in all of this. Thanks too for offering support when it appears you might be struggling quite a bit yourself at the moment - I noticed your post below - hope everything is OK.
poster:onceupon
thread:853981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854131.html