Posted by DAisym on September 25, 2008, at 12:53:54
In reply to how do you do it? (triggers), posted by onceupon on September 25, 2008, at 10:37:38
I think I know this kind of tired.
I spent a great deal of time wondering why I couldn't shake the ideation. So I researched suicide - I was almost expecting the library to call someone I had so many books checked out on the subject. What I learned is that suicide is often the last escape hatch for people - from the weight of depression, from trauma and from the feelings of being a burden to the world. The loneliness and despair generate the feelings but the anxiety and fear cause the actions. This is why many people think about it for decades but don't do it and why some people cope and cope and cope and then take the dive off the bridge. We all have different triggers, and rarely are the warning signs clear. Of course, in retrospect, people find a trail and begin to assume that there were "cries for help" - but in reality, most of us who feel this way keep it well hidden. Especially if you've had trauma to hide before - you can look pretty normal and yet still feel awful.
For me, I've written a list of why I shouldn't die. When I feel so bad that I can't remember any of the reasons, I take it out and read it. It helps. And I force myself to bring it up in therapy even though it feels like crying wolf all the time. My therapist says that maybe the reason you haven't acted is because we talk about it. He feels like bringing these dark feelings into the light diminishes their power. I think you are right, when you isolate yourself the ideas get so big and you stop thinking clearly about the actual impact of those you leave behind - like your child.
It is hard for me to write that, because there are times when I desperately want to believe that the world will be better off without me - essentially giving me permission to end the suffering I often feel. But once upon a time, a Babble poster told me her story of losing her mom to suicide. I've never forgotten how much pain she was still feeling, even as an adult. I don't want to do that to my kids. That doesn't mean I don't struggle against it sometimes, and on a different day I might write a completely different response.
I get it, I really do. But I think your therapist is right - getting through takes so much courage, it isn't about being afraid to die. It is about being willing and hoping that tomorrow, or next week, or next month, something will shift and you will feel better.
I'm glad you wrote about it here.
poster:DAisym
thread:853981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854013.html