Posted by lucie lu on September 3, 2008, at 9:35:02
In reply to Re: My T is back and we met today (long), posted by onceupon on September 2, 2008, at 19:42:55
> "Yes, someday in the future it will be hard when I say good-bye to him, but in part is this not also because he is the living reservoir of my past and he knows, and sees, me as the person who has grown up through that life? Can I really be visible without him, after so much that was there, is gone? Too much stuff flying around this morning."
>
> This struck me. I'm not sure if I'm reading it right, but it sounds kind of like one of the reasons I've stayed in my not-so-hot marriage for a long time. My husband has known me since forever - we basically grew up together. Sometimes it feels unbearable for me to relinquish that. My own memory is pretty poor, and he provides a lot of shared remembering for me.Hi Once- I think I know what you mean, and I feel that was about my husband more than my T. I've been married for 22 years, and it's had its ups and downs (had to have, with me in the equation, but not getting into respective contributions here). And, as in many long marriages, there were times we considered splitting after getting tired of the marital stresses. But there really is an important bonding and relational component that has value simply because it adds so much to your life to have someone who shares your memories. I'm not saying that's enough, but it is an important glue that can be one of the things holding the partnership together. So it may be one of the good things about your marriage, and it might help if there were someway to explore it together? He probably feels the same.
> Does it feel like your therapist is the only "living reservoir of your past?" Are there others who fill a similar capacity? And I don't ask that question because I don't think your relationship with your therapist is unique and important - and obviously, he is a reservoir of your relationship together - as are you.
Again I was talking in short-hand. My T is the only one who was on this journey with me, the only one who remembers with me or suffered the effects in therapy with me. (My family suffered in other ways but that's not something I particularly want to remember.) That shared experience is now a chunk in each of us. There is no one else who really knows. Perhaps the large importance of that journey in my life (and his) will eventually fade as other meaningful journeys are taken. Mine involved a lot of identity work, sorting through really poorly integrated dissociated ego states... now I'm pretty much a single, integrated nutso :) but no one but him would ever know anything about that, or knew about any of the states themselves. I'm still working on some identity issues but the worst has been worked through. So that's why I called him a living reservoir of my past - because he is the one who knew all the pieces and helped put me it all together.
> I'm probably not being so clear here. I do understand the experience of feeling unsettled during a first session following a long absence. IME, it has a little bit to do with expectations - I've been saving up weeks of anticipation about the next session, and when it inevitably fails to live up, I feel discouraged. It doesn't sound like that's necessarily the experience for you though.
Yes, actually in retrospect it was, and I didn't see it coming. Previously we have always pretty much vacationed at similar times, so I was occupied doing other things too. I have never before had to stay home while he was away for a month. It did make things very different. And being forewarned now, hopefully I will not be unprepared if the next meeting too is still a bit strange and unfulfilling. I'll try to be patient - and call him in between if I need to.
> Gah - I'm trying to be supportive here, really. Just not sure it's coming out right.
You are great. I got you (at least I think I did) Thanks very much for writing and helping me reflect more about this part of it all.
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:849897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/850052.html