Posted by lucie lu on September 2, 2008, at 12:56:37
My T and I met this morning, our first meeting after his vacation. As always, he was welcoming and seemed genuinely glad to see me. I, of course, was very happy that he was back. But as I tried to talk about what Id been doing in his absence, I had all these strange reactions and responses, and ended up crying through much of the session. It was weird I still really dont understand where the tears were coming from. In fact, I really dont understand what this is all about, since I can only see a few isolated pieces. I am very confused. This was not at all how I thought the session would go. Toward the end of the session, I had this uncomfortably clear image of myself as a little girl, crying and holding onto her mothers knees, angry with the world and with her mother, but still wanting her for comfort. I told my T about that and he said gently, Well that is an important thing for a mother to do, isnt it? He was very sweet.
This year, the Vacation (I always think it should be capitalized) was challenging although mostly in a good way. The hard part was that in past years, our vacations have mostly overlapped, but this year I was home the entire time he was away. The good thing was that this year I was working really hard on my real outside life and trying to forge a new, stronger sense of self that could rely on social networks and relationships for stability. I was able to do things I had not been able to do before, which was very empowering. I knew he would also see these new developments as small triumphs, as I did. For me, telling him about these achievements was like my sharing a good report card with him, and that took up the first part of the session. Then unexpectedly, something crumbled in me and things took a very different turn. I actually got tearful as I was telling him about this trivial incident on Babble yesterday but couldnt tell him why until we touched on my sensitivity to feeling invisible (ACOA specialty). Then, again gently, he said and (you're afraid) that others you care about will become invisible too, like me? So we were able to frame some of my feelings in the context of old, familiar fears about abandonment and all the stuff weve worked on for so long. But what I couldnt understand was, why were these old things re-emerging now? He had returned, I survived and maybe even thrived a little, but despite all the little successes, I was much more upset now than when he left.
This is where I am very confused and feeling unsettled. I thought that maybe I put those feelings on hold while he was away, and only felt safe enough to express them when he was back. He said that sounded like a healthy strategy. Then I raised another issue that I thought might be connected the fear of getting well and not needing him anymore, and ending the relationship. By then I was sobbing again. We have talked this over a million times and still it never fails to provoke an emotional reaction from me echoing old losses. He keeps telling me that things are not so black and white, that our relationship will not be over even when we are not meeting regularly. (Dinah, you are not the only one who is terminophobic!) I ended the session a few minutes early at what seemed for me like a comfortable ending place. I felt like OK, now that weve gotten this weird and confusing stuff over with today, maybe next time we meet we can return to that comfortable, familiar place we were in before he went away. Somehow, though, I doubt that things will out quite like that.
Then sometime between the sessions end and now, this little germ of an idea started rattling around my brain. Yes, someday in the future it will be hard when I say good-bye to him, but in part is this not also because he is the living reservoir of my past and he knows, and sees, me as the person who has grown up through that life? Can I really be visible without him, after so much that was there, is gone? Too much stuff flying around this morning.
poster:lucie lu
thread:849897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/849897.html