Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2008, at 11:12:18
In reply to Re: Is it awful of me? » Daisym, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2008, at 10:41:10
I'm really something.
All this time I've wanted my therapist to care about me as a person. I've wanted to be his Jessica.
And in the last year or so he's been really clear that he does care about me very much (in a therapist appropriate way). That I mean something to him. That I am important to him. That I am very definitely his Jessica. And he's expressed it in such a way that I truly believe it.
And still I'm not happy. I'm still upset about the imbalance in the relationship. It's not the money. I want him to have the money. It's what the money means. It's knowing that he is going to hurt me, unless I'm lucky enough to predecease his leaving me. Knowing that even though he cares about me a whole lot, it's limited to the caring a therapist has for a client. His real life can and will take him away because that's what's important to him. Look around this board. It may not happen right away, but no matter how caring and loving a therapist is, their real life intrudes and they hurt their client. He is going to hurt me. He is going to abandon and reject me. Not because of me perhaps, but because of him. The loss will be the same.
Friends may move away, but you always have the bond of fondness, and the delusion that you'll keep in touch. And I feel bad even then, when friends move away.
One day maybe in the short term or maybe years from now, I'm going to go in therapy and be terminated. I don't want to have that pain.
And I'm going to have that pain because of the money. Because I'm a job. Because people don't build their lives around their jobs. The money equals my termination.
poster:Dinah
thread:830103
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080508/msgs/830319.html