Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2008, at 13:41:56
In reply to Re: guess I'm getting there *suicide trigs* » Dinah, posted by raisinb on May 4, 2008, at 10:43:07
> But I also believe strongly that either a person really cares about you, or they don't, and there are some things that you just can't ask for, because they have to come unbidden.
My therapist and I have actually talked about this. I'm a relatively pragmatic person, and if I'm not getting what I want I say so in as gentle but direct a way I can. What we've decided is that it isn't having these things come unbidden that is the proof of caring, it's the being willing to listen and try to provide what the other needs that is the proof of caring. That's what we've worked out together anyway, and it works for us.
There are times when my therapist's voice is less than warm and caring. And there are times when he isn't emotionally present. But if I point something out as an issue to me that day or in general, or if I tell him that another day problem solving might be ok but today I need some caring and warmth dangit, he responds nondefensively and with attention to my stated needs. And sometimes the answer is no. "I don't feel that being supportive is what's best for you right now." "I just am unable to be as fully present as you deserve right now and that has nothing to do with you or my caring for you."
> I know most people would agree with you that "depression lies." There are times when I've loved my life, been happy, and seen the meaning, but mathematically speaking, there are probably more times I've felt like this. How do you know which is the lie?
Hmmm... I'm going to have to adapt this from old Sunday School lessons, so please forgive any awkwardness. But you can tell which is the truth and which is a lie by comparing those feelings or thoughts with what you know to be true. If you compare each thought to global truths, the sort of things you would say to others and the sort of thing you would say if asked in a way that left out emotional entanglement, which would you say was more likely to be true? Does your store of general beliefs and wisdom say that people in general live such worthless lives that they don't deserve to be alive? Or that there are relatively normal decent people whose lives are so devoid of meaning that they don't deserve to live? Is that something you would say to someone else? What objective criteria do you think you would use to tell me, for example, that my life is without worth? If I didn't see any meaning in my life, what would you tell me?
If you evaluate the two divergent feelings in light of your global impersonal knowledge, which do you think is a lie? Or could the truth lie somewhere in between? If I were to be totally honest with myself, I'd say my life has meaning, but perhaps not as much meaning as it could have. That I've made choices that have me in a less than ideal place. And that if I start right now making better choices about my priorities, I could have a more meaningful and joy filled life. And I'd also acknowledge that joy and happiness don't come as easily to me as they do to some. And that my life will have its fair share of not-joy. And more than its fair share of anxiety, terror, and abject misery.
It's been my own personal experience that truth rarely lies in the extremes. And most often there is a bit of truth in whatever I'm currently feeling or thinking. Just enough truth to make the lie more seductive.
poster:Dinah
thread:826771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080423/msgs/827140.html