Posted by estrellita on April 20, 2008, at 2:06:35
In reply to Re: should i walk away from therapy?, posted by CareBear04 on April 19, 2008, at 23:37:07
Seriously, girl, did you not read what I wrote to you? ;-)
Man, it sounds like things are so rough for you right now. I sense some ambivalence in your comments as far as whether or not to return to therapy (either with this particular therapist, or at all).
Can you go in for your regularly scheduled appt time this week, even though you already canceled? If so, I think maybe you should just go even though I KNOW you don't want to.
It's so weird to read what you're writing about this, because I've been through it and felt like the weirdest person because at least most other people who go to therapy...go. You know? And they talk when they get there. I was just asking an acquaintance (I walk her adorable dog) who has been a psychologist at a university campus for decades what I should do about my own "stuckness" with my current therapist. After I told her the backstory (of my depression, and of my relationship with this therapist as well as the past one), she told me she thought I should go back, try to tell him some of what I was telling her, and give it another chance.
She listened to what I was saying and, probably because of her years of experience, really got what my depression has been like - she kept referring to it as "biochemical." She made me feel like taking medication and going to therapy is what I need to do to stay healthy right now. And I know it's what has gotten me healthy in the first place, as much as I hate to admit that at times. I don't know about your cultural background, but mine is pretty anti-medication, anti-therapy, and all just-don't-be-depressed. So it felt good to hear her acknowledge how much this has felt out of my control. I despise the old diabetes/insulin comparison that every therapist and their mother seems to make, but it's true that realizing a good chunk of what I experience is "biochemical" is a reminder that it's not all my fault, that it's a health issue that I do need to stay on top of.
Maybe I'm reading too much into what you've written, but it sounds to me like some of that has been true for you, too. The way I see both your and my situations is that it's better for us to be going to an imperfect therapist (who is not actively harmful) than not to go to therapy at all. It's too easy for me to stop going, to get so tired of feeling like a patient and just stop in an attempt to feel "normal" (whatever that is). But my discussion with the psychologist friend of mine helped me see that being in therapy, taking medication, and doing things that help my mental health (eg exercise, eat decently, get sleep) is actually an active choice I'm making as an autonomous adult. For me right now, not going to therapy would be more of a passive thing that I'd be doing (well, not doing) for the wrong reason.
Also, I wonder if the fact that your therapist is a guy is part of the dynamic that you're experiencing right now. I think that has been the case for me. With female therapists, I'm more used to them being (or trying to be, haha) nurturing, gentle, and all that. When I've talked about quitting in the past, they seem to be more likely to try and talk me into continuing. Not out of any self-centered reason, but because they believe it's the right thing for me (and it usually is).
With my current therapist, however, when I talked about quitting and said "I'm done. I'm just done" about 15 times in one session, he didn't try to cajole or convince me. He took what I said at face value, and that was really disconcerting. I think that subconsciously, I wanted him to argue with me, to try to convince me to stay, to tell me that he could help. But he didn't. In fact, when I told him (the night before, natch) that I would come in at my regular time, he told me we'd have to move it to a little later because he had scheduled something else for that time.
I'm pretty sure that's not something a therapist would normally do, and I was really put off that he'd already penciled me out of his schedule. On the other hand though, it forced me to see that therapy is a choice I'm making - he might have an opinion about it, and he might believe it's helping, but he's not going to sit around and argue with me about coming back. I hadn't expected this sort of reaction at all, but I'm glad it happened. I think that, subconsciously, I was being manipulative in saying "I'm done" when in reality I was completely unsure as to whether I'd go back. The fact that he wasn't waiting around or begging me to return got me to feel like I really do need to take more ownership of decisions in my life, especially those that affect my mental health.
It's like that annoying saying about not hurting anyone but yourself. I think with therapists it can be hard to realize that it's about us - not really about them, or them and us. Just us. That's what we're in this whole messy thing for - to be better, to suffer less, to get our lives back.
For my session following the "I'm done" session, I wrote down some notes ahead of time and spent a little time visualizing myself talking about what I'd written with the therapist. I even tried to anticipate what he might ask me and wrote some notes on that, too. And, surprise surprise...the session went pretty well. I think I'm going to do the notes thing more often. (And for the record, he liked that a lot better than what I'd done the week before, which was email him 5 single-spaced pages in advance and then showing up and not saying anything.)
My therapist asked me why I kept getting so caught up in the structures, rules, etc of therapy - some of the stuff I wrote about was crazy, gender and power relations and all kinds of stuff that yes, is important, but not doing anything to help me gain control over depression and my life in general. It sounds like you're starting to do that a little bit, too - what with doing a cancellation, calling him about it, etc.
I have been there so many times, and it does make it feel like I'm making some kind of progress (whether forward, backward, sideways, or otherwise I don't know), but this therapist pointed out that maybe that's all a distraction. I ended up admitting that I'd rather fight a tiger (or something ludicrous like that) than talk about my feelings or about stuff that has been painful.
It's pretty clear why I was throwing all kinds of obstacles and hurdles in my own way. The weird thing is that I really was not conscious that I was doing it for that reason. I mean, I knew I was avoiding the discussion of emotions, but I wasn't ACTIVELY trying to sabotage myself. All that other stuff just started to seem important, and if he was unwilling to address all of that FIRST, then...I'm done. ;-)
So...does any of that help? Not trying to cajole or convince...well, maybe I am. :-)
What you wrote about wanting to disentangle yourself from all connections feels so familiar, yet it worries me when I hear it from someone else. I think we both know that's a sign you need to take better care of yourself, not worse. And it sounds like continuing to have a connection - any connection - with your therapist is just as important right now as the quality of the actual work you do with him. I urge you not to let that connection go right now.
My suggestion is to yes, write down your thoughts and frustrations and questions and worries, and take it to your next appt - ideally, as soon as you can get one. Maybe you'll find that you want to re-dedicate yourself to taking care of yourself, and maybe he's the person who can help you as you do that.
My dad is a strong believer in the idea that "things happen for a reason," and I like that he believes that. The therapist I'm working with now would NOT have been helpful to me in the past, but by the time I met him I was in a place where his help is just what I need. No coddling, just "if you want to do this, become better in these ways, I'm here to help. It's your choice." Do you think that could be true for you and your therapist now, if you continue to give it a chance?
Keep me updated!
*estrellita
poster:estrellita
thread:823539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/824374.html