Posted by CareBear04 on April 16, 2008, at 0:44:44
i feel completely stuck in every possible way. i'm sure feeling stuck contributes to my current state of being very depressed. since being diagnosed as bipolar five years ago, i've constantly been on meds, but that hasn't prevented lengthy periods of depression and mania and a lot of hospitalizations. i know intellectually that the depression will get better, but i also know that the bottom can and will fall out from under me in the future. for each mood state i get through, i know that i'll be stuck back here again, so i wonder what's the point?
my pdoc has suggested that my cognitive and emotional response patterns combine with the chemical basis to intensify the moods, so that meds alone won't resolve my problems. i know he's probably right. but at this point, i'm not sure i should stick with therapy. maybe i'm not even sure i want to get better anymore, and i feel guilty demanding his attention if i can't commit to this outcome. i also just can't get past this inability to tell him what's on my mind. i finally told him last time (though indirectly) that he made me feel worse by pointing out the people he's seen who are much worse off than i am. he responded defensively, asking whether i thought he was trivializing my problems... whether i thought he didn't know that i was on 10 meds, a record in his career? he said that he mentioned the other patients because there is a crucial difference between them and me-- that i also have strengths to overcome the problems. i appreciate that he answered honestly and didn't give me BS, but i was still kinda stunned by his confirmation that i'm seriously messed up.
my T also pointed out that i kept coming to my appts and that said something. i don't really have any hope of therapy helping me, though, and i don't want to give him the impression that i do. and as long as i keep going, i feel obligated to contact him before doing anything drastic. i think i want to quit in part to get a rise out of him... but i don't even know if he'd try to stop me. i think he knows that to chase after me would just reinforce my "bad behavior". but on the other hand, maybe he knows that, right now, i need him to try to stop me. i need him to show me that i'm worth his time and effort.
i just don't know what to do anymore. any thoughts?
thanks,
cb
poster:CareBear04
thread:823539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/823539.html