Posted by sunnydays on December 7, 2007, at 17:41:15
We were missing the close feeling today again. I was trying so hard to tell about this dream I had that is easily the worst dream I have ever had in my life and that is like this scene from a book I read. My mom gave it to me in 3rd or 4th grade to read, it's about this kid who is abused horribly - some of the things in that book made me feel sick when I read them, and they still make nauseous. I think it was one of the reasons I thought that things that happened to me must not have been that bad and that I must be making them up.
I tried to tell my T the specifics, but all I managed to tell him was the above part. I tried to go farther, but I just couldn't. Eventually he said, "I think you're trying too hard to push through this. I don't think you need to push yourself, the little girl is what's making you uncomfortable, and she's obviously not ready to talk about it. It's ok not to say things, even if you think they're important. Let's move away from it."
And so we did, sort of. I all of a sudden started crying because I hadn't felt close to him all session, and I told him he felt far away. And he said, "Well, I do feel kind of farther away. It's hard to stay as present here when we're not talking back and forth. Not that that's something I expect from you, but I think you can trust your intuition. You definitely were picking up on something."
And of course then I started crying more because I like feeling close to him so much and then it's so hard when I feel disconnected. And I said that, and that it was my fault. And he was in his challenging mode and was saying, well you can go there if you want, but it's probably more helpful to focus on why you feel sad, which is that you want to feel cared about.
And then we had to stop. And it felt so abrupt, I just started sobbing. And I left, and I was actually angry when I left. But then I got home and I called him, and he was perfect on the phone, telling me I did the best I could when I was there, and that's all anyone could expect of me, and that he's there and he'll see me soon.
And I just miss him so much. I wanted to hug him and hit him at the same time when I left. And four days seems a very long time to wait to see him again. The little girl part of me is tantruming I think.
And I just feel like we've been disconnected a lot lately. Last session towards the end I asked if he ever got mad at me, and he told me that sometimes he got impatient, but that it wasn't about me, it was just a feeling people got when they were pressured by a couple things. But hearing him say he got impatient just crushed me and I cried so much. But then it felt like it went away and I had two really good days before I went in today. But then today's session I was feeling really disconnected and distracted and really had a hard time concentrating.
I don't know. I wish this whole therapy thing was easier.
sunnydays
P.S. Does anyone know why my T would ask me if I ever heard things when I got distracted? When I'm distracted I just sort of stare at something and get lost in it, and might just trail off in the middle of something, but I definitely don't hear things. Why would he ask that?
poster:sunnydays
thread:799382
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/799382.html