Posted by antigua3 on October 20, 2007, at 7:43:09
I saw my pdoc this week. It was the second time since i'd written him a letter outlining all the ways he reminded me of the hurtfulness of my father and how he made me feel. I told him I thought he was cruel, unyielding and that his boundaries were beyond strict (not calling me back when I was in real pain).
At the last appt., as I mentioned, he was like a different person. I was suspicious, but he held fast to trying to be more understanding and kind. I needed to speak with him during the week afterwards and although I said I would NEVER call him again, my pride lost out. I was worried, furious, paranoid, whatever that he had prescribed a new drug for me that caused weight gain--that he had prescribed it on purpose. Once I thought this, I stopped eating.
Well, as I already posted, he called me back and reassurred me that there was no way he would have done that to me, and he asked a most interesting question, "Why would I hurt you?" I told him that I knew that this was all about my dad, and not him, etc. but it had brought forth some very painful feelings. He promised we would talk about it when we met the next time.
this week, he needed to be remined that we had even spoken, but once reminded he got it right away. But we didn't talk about it anymore. It was interesting. He said he prefers to discuss the future rather than the past. (Huh?) Well, I happen to have some great future plans, so that topic was eliminated right away.
I told him about a book I had read, "Stolen Tommorrows" about an therapist who deals with women who have been sexually abused as children. It affected me a lot. The first part is case histories (mostly of younger women) and the second part was about his therapy, and how he treated them. I told him the book bothered me a lot, and he asked me which part. I was caught. I said the latter part, and he tried to make a joke and say oh the therapist wasn't cruel? He tried to draw me out on this, on the differences between the ideal therapy I perceived by the author, and the reality of the therapy I think he provides.
It was really difficult for me. So in the last five minutes (of course) we dived into a difficult topic I've been thinking about. SHould I be doing T with someone who reminds me so much of my father? Or are the differences just perceived? He wanted me to talk about the ideal pdoc vs the "real" one, and launched into a talk about idealism, but I got very animated. I told him I don't believe in ideals, and we had an interesting discussion, that was of course cut short.
In scheduling a next appt., I told him three weeks was too long for me to wait. He quietly and kindly said maybe we should try weekly, beginning in November.
who is this guy? Is he for real? He's so different from the guy I saw for two years. Did he just not really understand before? When he read my last opus (five pages) he said he never knew how involved I was in my therapy and how much I really thought about it.
Now I'm scared. I DO NOT want to become attached, dependent, etc. It's too painful.
On another note, did anyone see the article about the National Academies coming out with a list of efficacy of treatments for PTSD? The consensus was that reliving the trauma and going over and over it again desensitizes the trauma so that it becomes manageable. I don't do that. I can't yet.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:790293
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/790293.html