Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 3, 2007, at 1:36:00
In reply to Re: i did all the right things and i feel darker than » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by sunnydays on August 2, 2007, at 21:15:46
things are just so hard right now.
i'm going to have to talk to T about all of this stuff tomorrow. I tricked him last session telling him that I was feeling better, at least in the am.
I struggle really hard though. When I feel more lucid I try to set up routines and things to do to feel safer. when I'm feeling really out of it and negative and pessimistic I want to be the only person in this miserable world. Left alone. To fend for myself.
And yes, this is a topic that has plagued me since forever. deep roots in not seeking help. Who could I trust when I was a wee one? when I was an adolescent? I'm finally getting to some place where I can maybe trust a therapist, and then I have to switch therapists. And switch lives at the same time.
I don't know what recovery means. I have no concept of it. I see this trajectory of where I could be right now, and where I should be right now (according to my career advisors) and I stray far from that path. I judge my darker moods against my happy moments. My happy moments are tempered by looking down at my arm and recognizing that all is not well.
And then there's the medication. Zoloft is giving me insomnia. Combination of smaller dose of sedating geodon and a larger dose of zoloft has me up at this ungodly hour, having only gotten 3 hours of sleep.
One bright side is that the cat is very affectionate at this time of night. Came right over and promptly fell asleep purring in my lap.
And I don't know what to do anymore. I think I will just tell my therapist that tomorrow morning. How much I desire some kind of change, some ray of hope, knowing that I'm not really functional in this world. Knowing that I'm not ready to leave this world.
Angry at me? think I don't know why? Have I done something that offends your sensibilities? Is it because you care, or is it because I remind you of yourself?
I hear the tolling of the windchimes next door. perhaps I'll sit and rock on the porch a bit. if I'm lucky I'll be up until sunrise.
the lilies are blossoming on the pond. and cattails too. I should take a walk.
I used to do this in Chicago- go for walks around my crime-ridden neighborhood in the wee hours. I miss that. or at least I miss the opportunity.
Well. that's it. nothing new here. just some assorted ramblings.
Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:773600
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070726/msgs/773682.html