Posted by frida on June 14, 2007, at 13:48:39
Hi..
I don't think I can explain this...I just don't think I will feel better unless I talk this over with my T and change this situation but I don't know what to do with myself right now. :-(
I see my T next week, I saw her today
I've been seeing her for 7 years, we have a very special, close relationship, she knows I love her dearly and she's told me she loves me too, and she has always been there for me even though I have such difficulties opening up.
It's hard to explain the whole situation because it's difficult to understand without knowing the kind of relationship we've developed and all my issues and things...
She has acknowledged feeling frustrated with herself because I can't open up, she's tried so hard...she doesn't blame me but says that maybe i should try to hang on to the love I feel and not to let fear win. And I know she has my well-being in mind, because she doesn't want me to keep suffering like this forever. And I have the tendency to just let things happen without doing anything about them. :-( I have the tendency to wait and wait for years...and then feel the fear of losing it all and losing the chance I'm letting go.
I have a wonderful, caring loving T I adore.
Today we had a painful moment, she was feeling sick and went anyway to see me, I experienced a "flashback" or something there ...and when she asked if I was ok i smiled and hid...and then told her but after all this time, I should be able to tell her, as a gift of trust...it is so unfair to her or to me. She tells me I'm so used to pretending and hiding..but that she does think that it is so unfair to us both.
She said things which make me afraid of her telling me not to see her anymore next year if things continue like this. I feel afraid of losing her.
i try to hang on to what she has said,that she just wants me to react and do something...
but the little girl in me is terrified.I can't even explain properly here.
I wrote to her and said that the adult me could understand and wanted to think about this without panicking...but that part of me just wanted to write : Please don't abandon me...I don't want to feel the fear of losing you.
I am afraid of her telling me not to see her anymore ...i am afraid of losing her.
I don't know how to feel better about this..
Guess I will have to find the way to talk to her from my heart and try to hang on to the trust we have and wait till next week but I have no idea of how. :-(
Please...help?
I know this is not clear, I'm just feeling quite scared
Frida
poster:frida
thread:763141
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/763141.html