Posted by wishingstar on June 4, 2007, at 12:07:38
In reply to Re: ****suicide discussion thread*****, posted by Sigismund on June 4, 2007, at 1:45:50
I'm actually at a point in my life right now where while there are still lingering suicidal feelings in the back of my mind, they dont bug me constantly and I'm not feeling like I need to act on the feelings. It's the first time I've felt this way in at least a year.
I think one of the problems with suicidal thoughts is that they can become a conditioned response and it keeps the cycle going. The disclaimer is that I only know that this has been the case for me, and I wouldnt claim that its the case for anyone else necessairly... so it's just thoughts. But I think... when we feel desperatly bad, suicide seems the best option.. but once a person has allowed suicide to be a very real option (not just a passing idea), it's hard to get rid of it. It's such a "good" solution - "good" in the sense that it's guarenteed to "fix" (stop) the problem. Once you cross that line and let it be an option the first time, it's so much easier to let it be an option later on. I think that as we start to pull out of the deep despair that we all have felt, the suicidal thoughts keep coming because we're so used to thinking in that way. Conditioned. My mind jumps there much more easily than most peoples might. It's almost automatic. And I really do believe it can play a role in keeping the cycle going. When I cognitively think about how much I want to die, I feel worse. And when I feel worse, I want to die more. But when I start feeling better, my mind still jumps to suicide so easily, and then I'm back to thinking about wanting to die, and......... etc etc etc.
I dont know. If anyone disagrees, I'd be interested to hear that too. It's just something I've thought about.
As for why I never have made any serious attempts... I'm really not sure. I just dont know. There have been some very close moments. I think part of it is that I'm just too stubborn. One of the things that drives my suicidal feelings is the feeling that no matter what I do or how I ask for help, it's not going to work out or people are going to let me down. I always say I'm a slow learner though.. I guess my stubbornness forces me to keep trying. The other thing that has saved me a time or two is my old therapist Laurie. I had a session with her about a year ago where I was very, very depressed, nonfunctional.. barely said a word the entire session.. just sat there and fought tears for an hour while she talked. She said a lot of nice things but the one that really stuck with me was when she said she'd miss me if I died. That session she also said that my pain made her cry and sure enough, I glanced up and she was wiping her eyes. Lots of people have said theyd miss me but that was the first time it really felt genuine. I could see that she really cared and I've held on to that in some bad moments.
poster:wishingstar
thread:760660
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761186.html