Posted by Daisym on May 9, 2007, at 20:14:41
In reply to Re: One more thought » Daisym, posted by pegasus on May 9, 2007, at 11:36:35
I think it makes sense up to a point. But adults have to learn to trust their own realities and experiences in the world and the way they do that is by "checking out" their perceptions with a trusted other. I think we internalize enough of our therapists over time so that we can do the checking out alone -- sort of hold what we are thinking and feeling up and weigh it against what we "know" our therapists would say.
Kids do this with their parents, of course. Only they skip the checking out part, which is why things can be internalized in such a negative way. For example, I'm working with a child who is completely defiant of anything mom suggests. Mom is trying really hard to protect this child - but you can see that the child has perceived her safety attempts as negative judgements - and now does most things "in secret" from mom. This child had no way to check out his perception that his mom said no because she didn't think he could do it well enough. But as adults we can look for intention behind action or words and ask clarifying questions.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but haven't you had to do a fair amount of work to undo a negative internal voice (from your mom?) that was critical and harsh? This internal voice was your truth at one time. So trusting your perceptions about someone's caring is twice as hard. Of course you want to check it out with him.
And one more thought, as if I haven't had too many already, I think your ability to "read" him was shaken. You most likely would have looked inside yourself for those answers and trusted your gut, except that some one shook the snow globe. You ask: "was I special?" Your gut says "yes." You answer: "but he left me." Your gut says, "yes, but can both be true?" Instead of driving yourself crazy internally, you go and check it out by calling him. I say there is great wisdom in being able to listen to yourself when you need outside reassurance to quiet your mind. That doesn't negate the work that you've done to look inside yourself and trust that. Instead, it shores it up when you confirm what you "knew already."
Sorry for such a long winded reply. There is something in this for me, I've become aware. I'm learning as you're growing. Thanks for sharing.
poster:Daisym
thread:755778
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/757221.html