Posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 19:34:13
In reply to Re: I've taken to taunting » gazo, posted by crushedout on May 2, 2007, at 12:11:11
Yes, oh yes. Yessir. Having your words land with her is so important, isn't it?
Crushed, when I first read this thread, my reaction was, "Oh, yeah! Bug the hell out of her. Go Crushed!" I *do* remember what she was like, and I don't blame you at all for being very angry with her still. And, I think she's being very irresponsible by having a personal blog, and so deserves whatever harrassment she gets from you or anyone else.
And then . . . I can see the points that everyone else is making. They are probably right. She's not going to get it. You aren't going to be validated by this. This is not the proverbial high road, and you'll probably regret it.
But to be completely honest, I'm rooting for continued taunting. Not that I think it's best for you. It's just what I'd do myself. I can completely see how it would be satisfying to you at this point after everything you went through with her. I'm mad at her too for being so clueless and putting you through all of that, and then starting a stinking blog on top of it.
Here's my full disclosure: This hits a tranferential hot button for me. I've been struggling for the last three years with an unresolved tranferential relationship and/or realistic anger and/or narcissistic injury (or however you want to frame it) from my ex-T moving away. Recently I've asked him for a few sessions to work through some of it, and it's been really helpful. I finally told him how angry and unheard I was, and how much it seemed that he'd dropped the ball during our termination. On Friday we're scheduled to talk about Our Relationship. I've found going back to that and expressing the anger sooooooo helpful. This time it's landing, and I'm getting what I needed 3 years ago, but couldn't understand or ask for.
Now, that said, you are in a completely different situation. My ex-T is a good and ethical therapist with solid boundaries and a coherent theoretical orientation. So, it makes sense to talk to him again, whereas I don't think it makes so much sense for you to talk to your ex-T. So, like you said, what are you to do? I *know* that talking it through with your current T and writing letters you don't send just isn't the same. I tried all of that too, and three years later, that anger was still popping up in inappropriate places and generally dogging me.
OK, here's what my ex-T says about that kind of anger: When it comes up, get curious about it. Feel it. Let it wash over you. Don't rush to react to it (not that you won't eventually, just not right away). Sit there with it, and let it overwhelm you. Feel where it starts and ends in your body. Feel what impulses it gives you. After a few moments, it'll change a bit, and become less intense.
Here's an attempt to transcribe how one early episode of trying that went for me: "I'm so ANGRY! It's a huge red hot wave crashing over me. It starts in my chest, and makes me want to push everyone and everything AWAY. I want to push out. Get it OUT of me. I want to stomp my feet and yell as loud as I can. Yell OUT the hurt. I'm so frustrated I can't stand it! I want to pull my arms in and protect myself. There is such a hole left in me of HURT. I want to howl. No NO NO! It is not ok to do that to me. You did that TO ME. I thought you cared about me! Why why why why? What am I to you that you can toss me away and hurt me like that?"
. . . and so on. When I looked at it like this, I thought it was interesting how it turned from a hot pushing out type of pain, to a howling hurt type of pain, and then a questioning of my sense of self. And, I have to tell you that letting myself feel it like that was kind of satisfying in its own way.
The idea is that it'll still come up again, but if you can give yourself room to let it in and feel it like that, give it attention, that it'll get less intense each time.
I'm just starting to work with it like this. I put it off for years first, because it seemed to scary. But my experience was that when I tried it, after getting good support in place first, it was not as scary as I thought it would be. Your mileage may vary. It just makes sense as an approach to me, and you seem to not have a lot of other options for dealing with your anger at this point. So I thought I'd pass it on for what it's worth.
Let us know what happens next. And, I'm dying to see her blog for myself. But if you don't want to share it, that is totally understandable.
peg
poster:pegasus
thread:755132
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755327.html