Posted by peddidle on March 27, 2007, at 21:18:24
In reply to Re: Why isn't this me? (long) *suicide trigger* » peddidle, posted by Honore on March 25, 2007, at 21:11:37
> Hi, peddidle.
>
> You ask why "this" can't be you. But when you say "this" what do you mean? someone who is quite depressed but not as depressed as she once was? Even if you had somewhat suicidal seeming thoughts at 10 or 11, who's to say those thoughts were particularly germaine to who you "are."**But I don't feel depressed. Granted, I'm basing that opinion based on how depressed I was at one time, but I still don't think I'm depressed.
>
> There are lots of thoughts, and moods and hopes and fears that we have. Some of them seem more germaine to the core sense of who we are. Does having suicidal thoughts seem very constitutive of you, ie who you are to yourself? Would you be someone else without them? Not know yourself without them?**I guess I wouldn't be someone else without them. It's kind of scary to think that they are part of who I am to myself, but maybe they are...
>
> You say you don't enjoy them, and in my experience of suidical thoughts, even if they'll pass, that's an understatement.
>
> Somehow isn't it strange that it was so important for you to tell your T that you had those thoughts-- that you wished you could run back and tell her-- and wrote her an email-- and yet, you resist her attempt to say that you don't have to have them-- that they aren't necessary, they aren't you?
>
> Isn't that somehow contradictory?**Yeah, I guess you're right. Although, she was talking about the meds even before I told her about the suicidal thoughts. I think it was a combination of the fact that I wasn't going to see her the next week, and I felt bad that I lied to her about something potentially significant.
>
> And why make her guess? what's the secret? why is it so unspeakable, that she has to be the one ot speak it? and if she did want to know how you imagine dying-- if she thought it would give her some understanding-- why again the guessing? why the resentment at being asked to say?**This is something that I have a real problem with. It's not just about this particular subject. I have a hard time speaking at all during therapy, even though I want to so badly. The only difference is, I usually don't come right out and say, "no, I can't say it," (I'll usually try to say it before I finally give up and say, "I don't know) but this time I did. She was told me about a boy that she sees in her private practice who is a selective mute. She said she kind of thinks of me as her selective mute, but not quite that extreme. It's kind of funny...maybe she's not too far off with that idea...
>
> If it's so unspeakable, or so precious and private a feeling-- yet you did want her to know. And she is a T. She is going to say that she doesn't want you to have those feelings, that you don't need to have them. That much is certain-- before you told her.**I know that, and I want to let her in on everything. I really do.
>
> So I believe that you don't want those feelings; that you don't really believe that they "are" you, even if they represent some private source of relief, or some statement of how bad it is-- or whatever.**I don't want them. I don't know. Maybe I'm too afraid of what I'll be like without them...I don't know.
>
> I think if changing meds would really help-- a short period of discomfort would be well worth it. Plus, I had a terrible time come off one med, and an easy time coming off another. It's not always the same. And there are better and worse ways to do it.
>
> Maybe you're not ready. I think that may be it. Or even ready to admit that you hope for change. Hope is tough. It takes time to have hopes. But they're worth it, I think. To the extent that I have them, I feel that life is worth living, and worth risking.** It's interesting, a couple of weeks ago, my T said something along the lines of that I want to change, but I'm not ready...or something like that. I don't know what the difference is... how could I want to, and yet not be ready?
Hope is a tough one, I agree. I'm glad you've found it, though.
>
> So I think those thoughts "are" you-- although they don't have to be-- and you have the right to be that way, and to have those thoughts, and not to change and not to change meds. It's just that you also have the right, if you change your mind, to let the thoughts go, and to go for the best, most helpful meds that you and your pdoc can find. And to let your T in on things without feeling so on the spot and so protective of parts of you.**Maybe I just want to try doing it without changing the meds first. That might be it. I really do want to let my T in on things, and I know she wants me to let her in on things (I can see her frustration when I sit there in silence), it's just hard for me. I'm trying, though.
>
> HonoreThanks for your help. I really appreciate it.
poster:peddidle
thread:743732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/744824.html