Posted by peddidle on March 27, 2007, at 20:54:11
In reply to Re: Why isn't this me? (long) *suicide trigger*, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 25, 2007, at 14:19:13
> Geeze. I never realized it, I woulda said I don't have suicidal ideation, but I guess I do. Cuz yes, there are times where it just comes upon me, and I just wish I didn't exist. I wished I was dead I guess. Other day I saw a bad pic of someone w/their head blown off (why I was searching that????) but anyways, I thot to myself, well, thats not *so* bad....
**I know the feeling. Like I said, when I was younger, I didn't even realize that they were suicidal thoughts. Isn't it strange how we don't even fully understand our own mind?
> Damn, I had no idea.
> But for me its not often, mebbe 2-3x/month?? I don't really know as I just realized it.**Yeah, my T asked how often mine were. I told her they were multiple times a day. I guess that sounds bad, but I also told her they're really quick. I don't even need to do anything to stop them, because they're in and out. I got the feeling that she was looking at them more as obsessions than actual suicidal thoughts (but, of course, not fully discounting the fact that it is suicidal ideation). I could be wrong though.
> But the point of my post, is that it truly doesn't bother me (well its sorta bothering me now, that I do it, but not so much,more it bothers me that I know so little of myself). I have these thots, they not so nice, but they pass quickly, and like I say, I obvo wasn't even really noticing them. So mebbe its just the way some of us are made? Mebbe its no big deal? Cuz I truly won't act on it, even tho at the time it feels so real.**That's exactly my point. Don't I have the right to think this way? I'm not hurting myself (physically) or anyone else by having these thoughts. I mean, I'm saying I won't act on them now, but I guess the possibility that I will somewhere down the line is always there. I guess the risk is higher than if the thoughts weren't there to begin with. I'm playing devil's advocate now. The point is, yes they're annoying, and I would prefer that they weren't there, but I can deal with them.
> Thats my thots.
**Thanks for your thoughts, IWS!
P.S.
Maybe you should think about mentioning the thoughts to your T. You could even tell her that you learned more about yourself and wanted to share your findings with her.
poster:peddidle
thread:743732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/744812.html