Posted by Daisym on February 23, 2007, at 20:23:25
Things are better. Not in my life but with my therapist. Why is that?
We talked this week about how hard it has been for me again to take him with me between sessions and internalize him. When I'm in a session, I can feel him and he is present. But it has been hard to talk and my younger parts have been very sad and quiet. So he asked me what I needed from him...maybe I needed something concrete again? I said I'd think about it. Of course, after the session, I thought of his talisman. It means a lot to me and provides a lot of comfort and soothing. But I felt so immature and silly asking for it. I asked anyway and when he gave it to me he said it was what he'd thought of too. I kind of hemmed and hawed when he gave it to me, "I don't know what it is about this thing..." and he said, "it's magic."
Yes - totally. :)We've also been talking about how suicidal I've been feeling and how hard that is to talk about with him. He wants to know why and I say I can't keep telling him I am suicidal. He said, "you can and you must, if you are. I said you can call if it gets bad and I mean that." I said, "I can't keep doing this. How many chances do I get before you leave in frustration?" He said without hesitation, " 486,000. And you've only used up 31 so you have lots to go." What could I do but laugh? But now I have to keep track!
Near the end of my session yesterday I changed the subject to the weekend. I told him that I was having a harder time being separated, which he knew, because I want to feel him keeping me safe. But when I go to imagine him, I can't. I can't "see" him anywhere. So he told me about his study at home, where he works when he isn't in his office. So now I can imagine him in there working on the weekend, drinking tea and reading. He let me ask questions to fill out the picture -- although now I wish I'd asked a few more. And we talked about the Academy Awards a little and movies a little. It was nice -- kind of easy but I definitely was pushing his boundaries and he was letting me. I can now also know that when I'm watching the awards on Sunday, so is he. So another way to make him real exists for me. And then he asked if I needed to check in with him and gave me his basic schedule for the weekend.
I felt -- what? This huge pile of tears came up, and leaving was so hard. But it felt OK too. We agreed that I would just leave him messages during the weekend and let him know how I was doing and I would ask him to call me back if I needed him to. Otherwise we would just remain virtually connected. I liked that. :) Kind of like Babble.
So my question -- is it him or me? Am I letting him in again, to comfort and support and help contain things? Or is he being more open to comforting and supporting? It is hard for me to think that this has been all me...but I really don't want it to change back and I only have control over me. Does this make any sense?
poster:Daisym
thread:735515
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/735515.html