Posted by ElaineM on January 25, 2007, at 19:57:46
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? **suicide trigger, posted by mair on January 25, 2007, at 16:55:40
A couple of things keep me going (some more healthy than others)
1. An overwhelming fear that (knowing my "luck") I'd somehow survive no matter how hard I tried, but suffer some terrible physical or mental damage that I'd have to contend with on top of everything that was bothering me bother before.
2. When I'm thinking of ending it because of physical pain, I often think of the children's hospitals full of little one's who have the same thing or way worse. I may not have lived the longest life, but look how much some of them have suffered through their's that's even smaller. (This is the one I'm holding in my mind the most right now)
3. A difficult one is, sometimes I have brief, moments when I think, what if there was gonna be a moment when i was truly happy? I find this one hard - it's the times when I find myself actually wishing I could be living, that it's hardest to tolerate feeling like I'm not alive, being where I'm at now, and my health. The "what if" manages to pop in once in awhile, it's kinda rare, but it makes me second guess. Sometimes it's watching a baby beside me on the bus, or a couple smiling at each other like no one else is around, or seeing a couple that reminds me of what my grandparents were like [It happened the other day, leaving my appointment. I watched the old man hurry to walk ahead of his wife so he could hold the glass door open for her :')It makes my heart want to burst sometimes] I hate that the same thing that makes me ache cause it's missing right now (and maybe forever), can also make me hope to live.
4. I think about how damn hard it was to do treatment three times, and be in recovery from the anorexia -- the hardest personal thing I've ever had to do up until now. So much physical discomfort to get healthy again, so much mental anguish. Do I want to make that all for nothing? Why did I do it if it was only to throw it away? I tell myself that it would mock how difficult the exerpience actually was if I throw the me that made it through (or strongly battling it now)away. [Also, when I was in treatment I was doing it for the possibility of maybe having a child one day. It doesn't seem likely now, but it was one of the "Reasons" then.]
5. (I have the hardest time with this one) Doing the palliative care for two of the few people I've ever truly loved in this world a year and a half ago. Watching them fight. Knowing they would've given anything to have even one more day of nothing-special, even one more cry, one more unassisted breath. It makes me feel selfish for thinking of throwing away something they were fighting so hard for - even though their life wasn't perfect or painfree before. It makes me feel ashamed that I could equal my suffering to their's (or anyone's) and that I'm the case where it "makes sense" to end your own life. I'm always always telling myself, "If they could fight the pain of dying, you can at least try a little harder to fight the pain of living." Another relative I lost three years ago asked me (while he was dying of cancer) to always keep fighting. I try really hard to try. God, it still hurts so much to think of. I don't want to disrespect their struggles. I want to prove how much I loved them by staying alive for them. I know it sounds crazy, but it makes sense in my head, or my heart, for some reason. I guess cause I'm alone right now, I live for people in my memory, the same way others live for people in their lives -- or something.
[When I'm suffering the most, and when I'm in so much pain that I'm able to even say "F it. I don't care" to the other 4 reasons, this is the one that gets me through. THis is the one that I have permanent mental pictures to re-enforce. And when I'm really bad I take out the last photos I ever took of them all]Keep fighting (((((Wishingstar)))))).
blove, El
poster:ElaineM
thread:726366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/726501.html