Posted by Lindenblüte on October 29, 2006, at 0:06:05
In reply to Thots****trigger**** » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on October 28, 2006, at 23:09:19
Muffled,
sometimes you know me better than I know myself. I guess you're right. It will come out when it comes out.And yes, many parts of your post really touched me. you made me shed some tears. about 7, I think. 4 from the left eye, and 3 from the right. That's impressive, given that I don't have a lot of access to my feelings right now. Thank you muffled. I needed to let those go.
You are right. The deal with the devil was my last entanglement/obligation with my family. Since then, I have been free. Well, free to feel guilt and shame and wonder why I loyally drag my *ss back to the homestead for major holidays. Oh, it's nice to see 2 of them, but I'm en garde with the other 2.
That was the last of a series of ongoing betrayals. 2 nights ago, I had a dream. My dad was in it. I was playing violin, and my dad was organizing some old people at church to play chamber music. My dad and I used to play chamber music together. I remember the music vividly. Perhaps it was the only time that I could really do something that set me apart in my family, in my dad's eyes. I don't know if he valued ME though, or just thought it was convenient to have a violinist on call.
And you're right about trying to protect my mother. If she had attempted to intervene at the point of the deal-making, likely there would have been a show-down. Ugly. All Li's fault, at least in my mind. Perhaps I would not have been able to attend a prestigious university, and who knows what my life-course would have been like?
I'm really sad to admit that you are also correct about my dad being crazy. The very first time I ever described his behavior or manner to my first T, T promptly said, well- that's because he's bipolar. Oh, how vigorously I denied that. No, T-- you don't understand. My dad is eccentric. He's got a bad temper, but, you know, he's not crazy.
Well, I learned as I was working with my oldT that oldT could figure out someone's personality given VERY few descriptions on my part. It was eery- he was able to predict how different coworkers would react to certain situations, what my mom was like- really complex things, given very little information at all. I think it's one of his tremendous talents. So-- do I think that my dad's crazy. Yes. meets diagnostic criteria for a couple of things. maybe some bipolar stuff. Definitely intermittent explosive disorder. probably some personality disorder too. He's pretty f*cked up. but for a long time, that was the standard in my family. what he deemed "normal" "acceptable" etc was the law of the land. I was so brainwashed.
Muffled how do you find the strength to work with people who are in trouble? I think that's really admirable. I wish I could help like that too. I am in contact with street people in my neighborhood. I deny them any charity when they ask me for money. But, I can't help thinking sometimes-- what makes them different from me? well. that's a question for the ages.
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:698324
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/698626.html