Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 15:19:37
In reply to Re: I'm maybe not doing so well again ***SI trig****** » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 13:47:27
> **what will happen if you have a big psychological crisis?
I'm scared that I'll cut myself, or poison myself. I'm scared that I'll call my abusers and ask them whether they have any recollection of doing those awful things to me. I'm afraid that I'm going to break things and break myself. I'm afraid that I'll go so "crazy" that I'll never think of myself the same way again. I'm scared that I'll do something rash and break up the raft of toothpicks that passes for "family harmony" nowadays. I don't wanna be the one to destroy my mom and dad's newfound relationship; my brother's marriage or our recently developed tolerance for each other; my little brother's sense that we're all doing okay. I don't want to be the one to destroy all those dreams and hopes for my extended family.
That's what I'm afraid of-- that I'll do something in the interests of easing my psychological discomfort and create even bigger problems that must be solved.
> > On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.
>
> ***Yeah, I do that too. Sometimes I even actually grunt with the effort to make the thots go away.
> My T tells me emotions pass. I am getting better at realizing that. The problem is they keep comming back....these aren't even emotions. They almost feel like reflexes. It's exhausting to try to keep myself from reacting so strongly to innocent things that happen to trigger me.
> ***yep. That a long time.
I know. Muffled. It's the worst ever, in terms of the length of it, and the degree to which I WANTED to stop but could not. Everywhere I went, every activity I did- I couldn't escape myself. I felt so disheartened. I wanted to feel better, but I couldn't. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I felt like a nasty person for enjoying the taste of my own blood.> ***why do you SI? Is it a numbing thing? Or a get real thing? Or a punish thing? There's so many reasons.
Mostly numbing. Some of it is very ingrained- when I watch movies, ever since I was a kid, I'll bite or pick at my nails. It's just that lately, that extends to TV shows, and ... everything else...
> Do you have anyone you can turn to irl, that you can say, I am really struggling right now, can you just be with me?
probably not. I will have friends come over tonight for dinner and girls TV night (G. Anatomy) so that will help. I will try to set something up for this weekend. I just... I don't know how to predict when/if I'm going to have a problem like this. My husband is not so good at talking about this stuff on the phone. He's out of town working right now. I won't see him again for 3 weeks. IRL, I could go and hug him, but over the phone, he tends to get distracted with telling me about his work, or his mountain biking, or ? whatever, and doesn't really ask me the right questions to let me know that he's "there". I tend to tune out a lot of the time when we talk on the phone. I will actually engage in the SI when we're on the phone, just because... well, it's kind of stressful to hear his happy voice, and know that if I tell him I'm hurting, he won't be able to understand it. He'll try and fix me, and when I'm not feeling better in three minutes, he'll get frustrated with himself and say "I'm not helping you at all. I'm just not good at talking on the phone" and then we end up arguing about talking on the phone. It sux.
> I often distract myself w/Babble then I fall
asleep. That helps. Thing of the matter is I guess, is that you need better ways to cope with the chaos that is within you, and that you are trying so hard to deny, cuz it scares you.That works sometimes. but not lately.
> So mebbe you could ask your T bout that.
> Sometimes I can get lost in a real good book.
> Or go somewhere I like to be.
> Or bake cookies for the homeless.
> Anything to distrcact.yeah (weak smile)
> ***Are they specific worries, or just general craziness?
> Have you tried thot stopping.
> When you looking in the mirror, say STOP, good and loud, and remove yourself from the room. Go phone someone or babble. Journaling can be good too.specific worries- well, mostly about anything. I worry about the SI, even as I do it. I worry that I might be getting sicker and sicker, even though I tell people I'm getting better. I worry that I'm not being honest enought with pdocs and T's to get the best care. I worry that I said or did the wrong thing at some point during the day. I worry that people will know how screwed up I am and judge me harshly etc. etc. (and I have about 2764 other concerns as well)
> ***sometimes visualization works for me. We goto a safe place in our heads. Somewhere that is nice for you to think of and is safe.
hmm. gotta think about that one for a while. maybe my bed? or in the cathedral? I'm not really feeling safe from MY OWN THOUGHTS or hands. Those go with me no matter what. damn.
> Thing of the matter is, your visiting some painful memeories that are bringing up a host of emotions.
> But emotions are just signals that there is something you need to deal with. And your T will help you sort stuff out.
> Your the same person you were last year. Kind and caring and funny. But like most of us you got hurts. You got real bad hurts. But they won't destroy you. They in the end, will make you stronger.
> Don't have to hide all the time Li.
> We like ALL of you.
> MuffledMuffled, you make me feel sad inside that I can't share this with my mom. I wish she could be here and help me. I wish she weren't part of my bad memories. I wish my husband were here to hug me or make me think about dinner. I wish I knew how to comfort myself. :( Okay. I gotta go cry now. I've been holding it in for almost a week. might as well spread my mascara on those nice high thread count pillowcases.
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:689465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/689975.html