Posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 18:45:37
In reply to All kinds of triggers. *******beware!******** » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 15:19:37
> > **what will happen if you have a big psychological crisis?
>
> I'm scared that I'll cut myself, or poison myself. I'm scared that I'll call my abusers and ask them whether they have any recollection of doing those awful things to me. I'm afraid that I'm going to break things and break myself. I'm afraid that I'll go so "crazy" that I'll never think of myself the same way again. I'm scared that I'll do something rash and break up the raft of toothpicks that passes for "family harmony" nowadays. I don't wanna be the one to destroy my mom and dad's newfound relationship; my brother's marriage or our recently developed tolerance for each other; my little brother's sense that we're all doing okay. I don't want to be the one to destroy all those dreams and hopes for my extended family.***Well,thats alot. And really, sh*t did happen. This is the fallout. Why do you suffer the consequences only? I dunno how this stuff works, so I can't say much, lest I say the wrong thing. But other than poisoning yourself, the rest is maybe not desirable, but not the end of the world either. Feels like it, but some stuff is inevitable.... I wonder, just how well is everybody doing? Or do you come from a family thats good at hiding stuff?
Kinda wonder bout that..... So if the raft of toothpicks breaks, don't matter who breaks it, its weak to start with...
So try not to spend so much time worrying bout going crazy. I been "crazy" a time or two. Been taken down by cops, hospitalized etc. And I still here, and my family don't hate me and stuff.I'm one of the mommies at school that people mostly like. Its like there's something in me that keeps me alive no matter what, no matter what crazy stuff I done. I think you have that in you too, protecting you. Thats how come you survived, and the part that protected your mind then, is still there to protect you. You are not alone inside in your battle. Other parts can and will help you just like they did before. Trust them just a bit. They taken you this far.
>
> That's what I'm afraid of-- that I'll do something in the interests of easing my psychological discomfort and create even bigger problems that must be solved.***Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Healing is a journey. Big problems will come up no matter what you do, and you will resolve them eventually. You have a lot of strenghth, and when you weaken and fall, you will rest, and get up again and fight onward, cuz thats the way you are.
>
> > > On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.
> >
> > ***Yeah, I do that too. Sometimes I even actually grunt with the effort to make the thots go away.
> > My T tells me emotions pass. I am getting better at realizing that. The problem is they keep comming back....
>
> these aren't even emotions. They almost feel like reflexes. It's exhausting to try to keep myself from reacting so strongly to innocent things that happen trigger me.*******Can you tell me more bout this if it don't bother you?
>
> > ***yep. That a long time.
> I know. Muffled. It's the worst ever, in terms of the length of it, and the degree to which I WANTED to stop but could not. Everywhere I went, every activity I did- I couldn't escape myself.
> Mostly numbing. Some of it is very ingrained- when I watch movies, ever since I was a kid, I'll bite or pick at my nails. It's just that lately, that extends to TV shows, and ... everything else...***Yeah, escaping yourself. I know bout that....but thats a diff. story for a diff. time.
Anyhow, I don't do that no more. I think somehow or other I doing better at keeping things from getting to the intensity they did before, so I no longer NEED to escape in that way. Mebbe get some stoner type drugs from p-doc? Dunno whether thats the best idea though....
>
> > Do you have anyone you can turn to irl, that you can say, I am really struggling right now, can you just be with me?
>
> probably not. I will have friends come over tonight for dinner and girls TV night (G. Anatomy) so that will help. I will try to set something up for this weekend. I just... I don't know how to predict when/if I'm going to have a problem like this. My husband is not so good at talking about this stuff on the phone. He's out of town working right now. I won't see him again for 3 weeks. IRL, I could go and hug him, but over the phone, he tends to get distracted with telling me about his work, or his mountain***Yeah, the phone SO does NOT work for me either. Tried w/T and it didn't work. Yeah, I did the si thing too on phone too.
Mebbe partly SI intensity increase is due to the fact that in some way you want to externalize the internal pain? To let it out as it were? I done that too.I often distract myself w/Babble then I fall
> asleep. That helps.
> That works sometimes. but not lately.
>
> > So mebbe you could ask your T bout that.
> > Sometimes I can get lost in a real good book.
> > Or go somewhere I like to be.
> > Or bake cookies for the homeless.
> > Anything to distrcact.
>
> yeah (weak smile)
>
> > ***Are they specific worries, or just general craziness?
> > Have you tried thot stopping.
> > When you looking in the mirror, say STOP, good and loud, and remove yourself from the room. Go phone someone or babble. Journaling can be good too.
>
> specific worries- well, mostly about anything. I worry about the SI, even as I do it.*** the best thing I did bout SI was STOP worrying about it so much. It was a coping mechanism that I had at the time, and it worked. I was careful bout it mostly. I'd get medical help if needed. I had to do SOMEthing. Better than some of my alternatives which were dangerous.
I worry that I might be getting sicker and sicker, even though I tell people I'm getting better. I worry that I'm not being honest enought with pdocs and T's to get the best care. I worry that I said or did the wrong thing at some point during the day. I worry that people will know how screwed up I am and judge me harshly etc. etc. (and I have about 2764 other concerns as well)
***Well, its proly gonna get harder b4 it gets better, and then there will be up and downs. And you may feel 'crazy'. Cuz you got some much to understand and feel and deal with. But you got us babblers, and your p-doc., and your T, and your hubby and mebbe some closer fiends.
You can only do the best you can do, and thats all. And f*ck all the other people who should DARE look at you differently. I think you may actually be surprized at how kind people can be. Seems most people got some kind of weird sh*t in their lives or another. I'm finding that more and more the older I get.
You just got a crazy big heap of stuff on your plate, and you getting overwhelmed.
Someone once told me, think of it as a baqnquet table loaded up. Just take what you can handl and leave the rest, you can go up for more later as you are able to digest what you taken already.(I proly screwed up the telling....)
>
> > ***sometimes visualization works for me. We goto a safe place in our heads. Somewhere that is nice for you to think of and is safe.
>
> hmm. gotta think about that one for a while. maybe my bed? or in the cathedral? I'm not really feeling safe from MY OWN THOUGHTS or hands. Those go with me no matter what. damn.***Thats how a safe place works, you don't even think in a safe place, there is just nothing...
>
> > Thing of the matter is, your visiting some painful memeories that are bringing up a host of emotions.
> > But emotions are just signals that there is something you need to deal with. And your T will help you sort stuff out.
> > Your the same person you were last year. Kind and caring and funny. But like most of us you got hurts. You got real bad hurts. But they won't destroy you. They in the end, will make you stronger.
> > Don't have to hide all the time Li.
> > We like ALL of you.
> > Muffled
>
> Muffled, you make me feel sad inside that I can't share this with my mom. I wish she could be here and help me. I wish she weren't part of my bad memories. I wish my husband were here to hug me or make me think about dinner. I wish I knew how to comfort myself. :( Okay. I gotta go cry now. I've been holding it in for almost a week. might as well spread my mascara on those nice high thread count pillowcases.***I wish you could find those inside kids. So adult Li could help them....
But its ok to cry and scream some....
Let them .
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Li))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Its gonna be ok, really it is.
Wish I could make you feel that somehow.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:689465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/690024.html