Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 23:41:37
In reply to Re: All kinds of triggers. *******beware!********, posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 18:45:37
> > > **what will happen if you have a big psychological crisis?
> >
> > I'm scared that I'll cut myself, or poison myself. I'm scared that I'll call my abusers and ask them whether they have any recollection of doing those awful things to me. I'm afraid that I'm going to break things and break myself. I'm afraid that I'll go so "crazy" that I'll never think of myself the same way again. I'm scared that I'll do something rash and break up the raft of toothpicks that passes for "family harmony" nowadays. I don't wanna be the one to destroy my mom and dad's newfound relationship; my brother's marriage or our recently developed tolerance for each other; my little brother's sense that we're all doing okay. I don't want to be the one to destroy all those dreams and hopes for my extended family.
>
> ***Well,thats alot. And really, sh*t did happen. This is the fallout. Why do you suffer the consequences only? I dunno how this stuff works, so I can't say much, lest I say the wrong thing. But other than poisoning yourself, the rest is maybe not desirable, but not the end of the world either. Feels like it, but some stuff is inevitable.... I wonder, just how well is everybody doing? Or do you come from a family thats good at hiding stuff?OMG- you have NO idea how good we are at hiding stuff. Dad was a political figure in a small southern town. Brother was Mr. Prom King/Class Prez. You figure it out!
> Kinda wonder bout that..... So if the raft of toothpicks breaks, don't matter who breaks it, its weak to start with...
It's weak, but it may be the only thing that keeps us together. (I'm kind of fond of everyone but my Dad. I might even love my little bro and my Mom. Still trying to figure that out)
I think you have that in you too, protecting you. Thats how come you survived, and the part that protected your mind then, is still there to protect you. You are not alone inside in your battle. Other parts can and will help you just like they did before. Trust them just a bit. They taken you this far.
> >
that's what my X-T said. He said I'm a fighter, that I've gotten this far, and done this well. I just have to remember that.
> > > > On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.> >
> > these aren't even emotions. They almost feel like reflexes. It's exhausting to try to keep myself from reacting so strongly to innocent things that happen trigger me.
>
> *******Can you tell me more bout this if it don't bother you?
Doesn't bother me any. Basically, it feels like I can't process the sensory information around me. It feels like it's a lot to handle and that everything is very very important and potentially dangerous. For instance, I have to cross the street this evening, and I had a really really awful afternoon. I had to really try hard to concentrate on whether the cars were coming towards me, and how many there were. Even as I was crossing, I had a feeling that I had mis-counted a car, and that I was about to be run over. I feel like I see little scary things in my peripheral vison, like a rat, or a bug. I feel like I hear an argument in the store, or on the bus or at work, and I feel like it's somehow about ME. Even though it's not. I see some tiny vignette, even from my peripheral vision, like maybe a mom holding her toddler's hand, and it brings back some memory of how I might have behaved in such a circumstance. Sometimes I step outside of my body, and I see the things I do, and I'm not happy about it. Like when I'm poking at my pores, and I imagine how nasty it would be to walk in on someone engaging in such an action, and it's utterly repulsive.Sometimes, I just have a feeling, like something bad is going to happen, and I have to concentrate really hard to hold myself together and not to scream or run. Sometimes I feel like I see something awful, like a rat, and I shudder, or have a spasm. Sometimes I recall a bad memory and I shut my eyes tightly and assume the fetal position instinctively -- a problem when I'm in public, huh?
> ***Yeah, the phone SO does NOT work for me either. Tried w/T and it didn't work. Yeah, I did the si thing too on phone too.
> Mebbe partly SI intensity increase is due to the fact that in some way you want to externalize the internal pain? To let it out as it were? I done that too.yes, I do that too. So, this afternoon, I'm trying to take a nap, but my mind will simply not let me fall asleep (okay, could have been the latte at noon, and the provigil this am...) but, I just wanted to fall asleep SO bad, just to dream perchance? And I couldn't and my brain started thinking of bad things that happened to me, some of which I haven't remembered in a long time. At some point, I realized that I was in a really bad situation. I had vivid fantasies of dismembering myself, and it seemed like a really pleasant escape from the current mental torture. I actually was smiling as I thought about ***I'm gonna censor this part*** really disturbing stuff.
I thought-- Okay, but I cannot do this. I agreed to make iced tea for the girls TV night. so, I had to go out to the store and buy some lemons. you know? priorities. couldn't lose face. MUST keep up a semblance of "keeping it all together". Well. I found a new way of SI. Kinda bad. I was holding my breath until I would pass out. I did this a few times as I lay all contorted in bed. What could be so bad about my emotions that this kind of brain damage is preferable? WHY do I do this sh*t. Seriously, it takes a lot to hold one's breath until near unconscious-ness. I have THAT kind of focus, but not the sense to FEEL these emotions that started peeping their heads through my conscious mind this afternoon. WTF?
> ***Well, its proly gonna get harder b4 it gets better, and then there will be up and downs. And you may feel 'crazy'. Cuz you got some much to understand and feel and deal with. But you got us babblers, and your p-doc., and your T, and your hubby and mebbe some closer fiends.
> You can only do the best you can do, and thats all. And f*ck all the other people who should DARE look at you differently. I think you may actually be surprized at how kind people can be. Seems most people got some kind of weird sh*t in their lives or another. I'm finding that more and more the older I get.
> You just got a crazy big heap of stuff on your plate, and you getting overwhelmed.
> Someone once told me, think of it as a baqnquet table loaded up. Just take what you can handl and leave the rest, you can go up for more later as you are able to digest what you taken already.(I proly screwed up the telling....)
> >
> > > ***sometimes visualization works for me. We goto a safe place in our heads. Somewhere that is nice for you to think of and is safe.
> >
> > hmm. gotta think about that one for a while. maybe my bed? or in the cathedral? I'm not really feeling safe from MY OWN THOUGHTS or hands. Those go with me no matter what. damn.
>
> ***Thats how a safe place works, you don't even think in a safe place, there is just nothing...muffled, I tried to find your cave this afternoon, but I forgot the way :(
> ***I wish you could find those inside kids. So adult Li could help them....
> But its ok to cry and scream some....
> Let them .
> (((((((((((((((((((((((((((Li))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
> Its gonna be ok, really it is.
> Wish I could make you feel that somehow.
> Muffled
>It's not that I don't believe I have inside kids, it's just that I don't want to listen to them. It's always hard to listen to the victims. They are demanding, they are hurting. It's much easier to listen to the oppressor. [he] can just pretend that everything is fine, that none of this stuff ever happened and make you wonder what is real and what is make-believe.
I just can't let them out yet. I don't have a fence built to keep them out of trouble. I don't have a way to let them play without killing each other, or me. I don't have a way to get to know them yet. I don't know their language. I worked so hard to forget it. :(
((((Muff))))
I'm sorry all this is so nasty. I'm a wilted Linden Blossom. I dunno if Spring will ever come back to me.
:(
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:689465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/690096.html